On Grief...

A few choice quotations regarding death and grief:
When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight. ~Kahlil Gibran
Sorrow makes us all children again - destroys all differences of intellect. The wisest know nothing. ~Ralph Waldo Emerson
We must embrace pain and burn it as fuel for our journey. ~Kenji Miyazawa
If you're going through hell, keep going. ~Winston Churchill
The sorrow which has no vent in tears may make other organs weep. ~Henry Maudsley

Wise advice from those who knew grief well enough within their lives to discuss the topic as experts. However, none are true experts as each moment affects everyone differently.
I find it strange that in times of transition such as death and illness, friends leaving or family passing from this world, we are so quick to discuss “I” as the primary concern. Such a profound change for the one who is the true subject and yet, we spend our time focusing on what we shall loose. How selfish of us! To mark the passing of a loved one, be it moving 8000 miles away or, passing from this world, rejoice for them, be glad for them… usher them into their new world and new adventures with joy and raise a toast to the lives they touched and the influences they left. Their thumbprint on the universe does not fade as long as we do not forget.
The definition of mourning according to the 1911 printing of the Encyclopedia Britannica, the entomology of the word is as follows: “from the verb "to mourn," to be sorrowful, O. Eng. murnan; cf. O.H.G. mornen, Goth. maurnan, to be anxious, O.N. morna, to pine away; by some referred to root seen in Gr. p ptpva, sorrow, by others to root mer-, to die)”
It further defines the word to mean; “The expression of grief or sorrow particularly for the dead; more specifically the outward or conventional signs of such grief. The public exhibition of this grief for the dead has taken various forms among different races and in different ages, from shaving of the head, or allowing the beard and hair to grow, from disfiguring the face and uttering loud wailing cries, to the wearing of clothes of a particular colour, now among Western races usually black, and to the purely conventional custom of using black-edged note-paper, cards, &c.”
This definition can be found at the following link:
http://www.1911encyclopedia.org/Mourning

So then, what can we learn from this turn of the century definition? I find it to mean that to mourn is to express outwardly, the grief we feel at someone’s passing.

Now let’s check out the modern Oxford dictionary definition;
mourning
• noun 1 the experience or expression of deep sorrow for someone who has died. 2 black clothes conventionally worn in a period of mourning.
This definition can be found here:
http://www.askoxford.com/concise_oed/mourning?view=uk

So what does this show us? Well for one thing, a hundred years ago we used a great deal more words to say the exact same thing. ;-) Beyond this, it shows times haven’t changed much in the western world.
Now just for comparison sake, let’s see what those in the Eastern world have to say on the topic; in Taoism, the concern is with life and living, not in death and dying. As such, death is of little consequence, merely another transition along one’s path toward enlightenment. Just as death is not the end, neither is birth the beginning. We exist, eternally and ultimately in a constant state of transition for all infinity.
Personally, I rather like this last concept the best. It provides a great deal more hope than other philosophies, in that it considers that our lives as we know them are simply moments within our greater existence. That beyond this world, is another consciousness that knows far more than we recognize.
If we explore this idea; (as my brain begins to hurt…) The concept of Taoism is to live within the moment, correct? Neither here nor there, no past or future- simply making choices as they arrive and walking the path as it is laid beneath our feet.
So, if we can translate this concept of “the now” into the realm of life and death and what was before and what comes next… we may consider that the reason we don’t have any true idea of our spirit’s wanderings prior to or after this life is simply because our spirit dwells perfectly within the now. We cannot see beyond it; as it simply does not matter in this moment. It mattered before, when we were there… and what happens next will happen then… and we’ll know about that when we get there. A possibility? Why not?
So now, back to the idea of mourning; we grieve our own losses, not the journey for those we have lost. We allow our selfish hold upon the world to grasp at others’ spirits as they pass.
A typical trick for grief counselors is to allow the following processes to take place in those who are grief stricken; denial, bargaining, anger, sadness/depression and finally acceptance.
These are the same stages provided by most psychologists for dealing with ones own mortality. How interesting that modern psychology uses the same technique for one’s own death as it does for the deaths of those we love.
I think this leads me to my final conclusion on the subject;
Grief and mourning take place as we pass through any transition. We rarely notice most of our losses, however we go through several a day! When we start a venture, we are loosing the previous one. When we are in a relationship, we loose our title of “single”. When we are married, we are no longer available. When we are parents, we are no longer childless. When we are employed, we are no longer free to pursue a career, as we already have one. When we wake, we loose our status of being asleep.
We transition and loose things, and statuses and titles every day if you think about it. There is a period of mourning afforded to each transition some handle these more easily than others. Some adapt and move forward, and others cling, find it difficult to move on, or out of fear of loss, they simply don’t move anywhere.
Perhaps this means then, for those that struggle with moving forward in their lives and those that seem to live stagnant, unfulfilled existences- perhaps they should consider that they are not afraid, but instead grieving- mourning a life that has or will be altered by that change. Let’s toast to change, embrace life and our choices to move forward. Don’t fear the past, or the future- just be. And be happy, while we’re at it. ;-)