Some day...ish?

The very first post I put up here was about this mad revelation I experienced, causing me to immediately see what I've allowed myself to become and how a false perspective of security made me literally stand still. I said I was ready for a shift; and I said I'd take you with me.
Well, I've given this some more thought and realized that just because I'm on this journey doesn't mean that you will take your leap of faith into the great unknown to chart your path and create your future. Just because I've made this commitment, does not mean you will. Maybe you don't want to.
If you do not, that's okay too. I say; be happy... however you can be. Be true to yourself, be honest about who you are and what you want and don't lie to yourself.
If you truly do want the life you have, instead of playing the "I wish I had" game, smile and realize this is exactly where you want to be, your future is now and you have reached it.
But for those of you who do not want to be where you are...
If I had a dollar for every time someone told me they could have done something "if only", I'd be a millionaire.
So in preparation for all justifications about to go through your mind, I've created a little check list of questions for you. When you don't wish to move forward for whatever reason, or.. if you THINK you've moved forward just because you say you want to...here are a few things to ask yourself:

Do I apologize (to self or others) for my poor use of time?
Do I imagine I could be doing something more?
Do I blame others and circumstances beyond my control for my lack of motion in life?
Do I have a list of excuses ready for those who will question my stagnation?
Am I more preoccupied with the life I’d rather be living than the one I have now?
Am I angry, disappointed, and depressed on a regular basis?
Do I already know how to fix my discontent?
Do I spend most of my day plotting this great future, or am I actively living it?

The last question here may be the most important. I think most of us forget that we are living in the future every day.
One of the most frustrating things to me is the phrase "someday I will have..." Dreams are wonderful; when you are sleeping! Goals are admirable and useful tools to success, don't get me wrong. However, "someday-ing" your way through life while you continue to do nothing is not okay.
So if you are a sleepy someday person... it's time to wake up. The gentle beams of sunlit skies are playing at your windowsill, begging for you to come out and witness the dawn of your life.
It is time to realize you have been living your future for some time now, and nothing will ever happen if you don't step off that ledge and move forward.
I must warn you, however... Don't be fooled by activity, as action can lie to you! Action provides a false belief you are moving forward. Don't be fooled by the great treadmill of life! Just because you are busy, does not mean you are living!
Sometimes, being still is the most active and beneficial thing you can do for yourself.
If the first thought that came to your mind is; "I don't have time to sit still..." you REALLY need to reevaluate.
Next time you sit down in front of a television, in front of Facebook or video games, or books, whatever form your procrastination comes in... recognize it for what it is. Realize you are your worst enabler of non-action. If you want what you say you want that badly- you will, in that moment... make the necessary step.
All you have to do is be honest.

Today

Morning Reading… on 2/1/10
In order of draw; High Priestess, The Fool, Queen of Batons, Seven of Batons, four of Batons and finally; Knight of Cups.
High Priestess – correspondences include the moon, and the Hebrew letter Beth or, “above” also representing a dwelling home or body- a containing form either human or brick & mortar and can be indicative of a spiritual vessel, a temple or a pregnant woman. She speaks to me, dark Egyptian eyes gazing through the familiar scene; I’ve pulled this card a thousand times but today, as it is every day, different from any before.
Sometimes she looks at me, scorning as a teacher does a petulant child. Sometimes she looks on me in pity, allowing me to kiss the hem of her dress and try again. This time, she gazes with a curious smile, just on the corners of her lips, folding her arms in front of her in carrying a secret knowledge that I might soon learn. To her left is a cup with a painted serpent and to her left is a tablet and brush. Behind her; Isis. The goddess of motherhood and fertility, the female of throne looks out with indifference and solidarity.
Next in line was the Fool; correspondences include fire and the Hebrew letter shin; which can be seen as a tooth. Three lines representing three roots of the molars, it is cosmic fire and the holy spirit. It represents acceptance, submission, taking in and transmuting energy. The fool is torn at the leg by a lynx, about to cross a crocodile filled river- unafraid and uncaring. The fool pays little attention to me, just reminding me that the journey may not be an easy one but it is a necessary one that will drive me forward to whatever end. The time is now, the journey has already begun- there’s no going back now!
The rest I’ll leave for my personal journal; no need to bore you with the details.
Today is 2/22, 2010. All entries up to this point were written over the course of this last month; simply all posted today. This entry leads us to present day; 1:11pm exactly as I type this.
The point to this entry and why I’m posting it here is to share with you my synchronistic turn of events. On 2/1, I was on the edge of a new era in my life. We had decided to start actively trying to build a family just after the new year, on the night of the blue moon in January we tried, did not succeed. The week of this reading, was the “window” of opportunity. It was also the same week as Imbolc, the festival of lights or otherwise called Candlemas. This is the festival of Brigid, the beginning of the light half of the year and the day in which we give thanks for the flow of life that pushes up the very first sprigs of spring growth. This is the time when seeds are planted in preparation for harvest. This is the time to build goals, make plans, create and jump on the bride’s train as she heads from the cold, dark and icy winter and grow warm with passion as the heat of the earth grows ever more radiant all around us.
During this sacred and glowing time of transition, I committed myself to a new life; that of a writer, a mystic, a healer, a painter and a mother. I gave the dark moon of January my fear, my vices, my limitations and my doubts that I may move forward into Imbolc with passionate purpose and deliver what I have to offer to the world, such as it may be.
This morning I closed the door on what is called the dreaded “two week wait” I prepped the soil, received the seed and simply had to wait to see if the roots took hold. It did not, as I began my moon cycle this morning. Such is the pain of creation, through trial and error, life will eventually take hold.
I meet this month head on, with some sadness but more determination than anything. I am in a creation period of my life, whether that be as a mother of children or a mother of ideas. I am continually shedding limitations as I go, feeding on the pain to build strength and push forward. I fear change. Being honest with myself, I fear it as much as I need it; as most humans do and I come to this new place in my life on the edge of all things in mist and fire, falling deep into the underworld of my soul that I might rise again with the dawn of the morning star, my life and body; a temple.

This quote ringing in my ears, the words of a character in a story about love, death, ghosts, magic and full moons and this quote will carry me forward into some of the most difficult decisions I've already made;

"My darling girl, when are you going to realize that being normal is not a virtue; rather it denotes a lack of courage."
-- Frances Owens, Practical Magic

Random Contemplation; purging unhealthy habits

Several weeks ago I began contemplating all the various excuses I've given over the years as to why I have not yet lived the life I was intended to. I have been paying a bit more attention to the goings on within my mind and thoughts, my current situation, what I’m frustrated with, where I’d like to be in my world and I realized that most of this longing is all for a life that I felt I could not have unless x, y and z were completed. Who made up these rules? I did. I chose to set up roadblocks and prevent my own success by putting conditions on it that never made sense. Shortly before Christmas this year, something in me snapped and I began seeing clearly.
I stopped smoking, limited my caffeine intake from nearly 9 cups to 1 cup of coffee per day, 2 max. I’ve limited myself when it comes to alcoholic drinks, I’m minimizing my intake of fast food, red meat and overly processed foods. I’m taking vitamins and sleeping better, I went back to school and I’ve once again after years… started meditating, practicing and rebuilding my connection with the Divine.
I have begun writing a great deal since then and I created this blog.
It's been too long that I've chosen to pretend I don't know what my path has to offer and out of fear I have rejected that path far too long. I hate to say that I have a plan... lol... these things ought to be fluid in motion and allowed to wander as the needs grow and change, but I have I should say, a path in front of me that I am already walking. No longer saying "I'm going to..." but saying instead, "I've already begun.”
I used to read a lot, books like Way of the Peaceful Warrior and all sorts of Richard Bach books, all kinds of things that provide a sense of purpose and passion for life. Where did I fall away from the goals that were set in that time of my life? I wonder… But that will be another blog for another day. ;-)

On Grief...

A few choice quotations regarding death and grief:
When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight. ~Kahlil Gibran
Sorrow makes us all children again - destroys all differences of intellect. The wisest know nothing. ~Ralph Waldo Emerson
We must embrace pain and burn it as fuel for our journey. ~Kenji Miyazawa
If you're going through hell, keep going. ~Winston Churchill
The sorrow which has no vent in tears may make other organs weep. ~Henry Maudsley

Wise advice from those who knew grief well enough within their lives to discuss the topic as experts. However, none are true experts as each moment affects everyone differently.
I find it strange that in times of transition such as death and illness, friends leaving or family passing from this world, we are so quick to discuss “I” as the primary concern. Such a profound change for the one who is the true subject and yet, we spend our time focusing on what we shall loose. How selfish of us! To mark the passing of a loved one, be it moving 8000 miles away or, passing from this world, rejoice for them, be glad for them… usher them into their new world and new adventures with joy and raise a toast to the lives they touched and the influences they left. Their thumbprint on the universe does not fade as long as we do not forget.
The definition of mourning according to the 1911 printing of the Encyclopedia Britannica, the entomology of the word is as follows: “from the verb "to mourn," to be sorrowful, O. Eng. murnan; cf. O.H.G. mornen, Goth. maurnan, to be anxious, O.N. morna, to pine away; by some referred to root seen in Gr. p ptpva, sorrow, by others to root mer-, to die)”
It further defines the word to mean; “The expression of grief or sorrow particularly for the dead; more specifically the outward or conventional signs of such grief. The public exhibition of this grief for the dead has taken various forms among different races and in different ages, from shaving of the head, or allowing the beard and hair to grow, from disfiguring the face and uttering loud wailing cries, to the wearing of clothes of a particular colour, now among Western races usually black, and to the purely conventional custom of using black-edged note-paper, cards, &c.”
This definition can be found at the following link:
http://www.1911encyclopedia.org/Mourning

So then, what can we learn from this turn of the century definition? I find it to mean that to mourn is to express outwardly, the grief we feel at someone’s passing.

Now let’s check out the modern Oxford dictionary definition;
mourning
• noun 1 the experience or expression of deep sorrow for someone who has died. 2 black clothes conventionally worn in a period of mourning.
This definition can be found here:
http://www.askoxford.com/concise_oed/mourning?view=uk

So what does this show us? Well for one thing, a hundred years ago we used a great deal more words to say the exact same thing. ;-) Beyond this, it shows times haven’t changed much in the western world.
Now just for comparison sake, let’s see what those in the Eastern world have to say on the topic; in Taoism, the concern is with life and living, not in death and dying. As such, death is of little consequence, merely another transition along one’s path toward enlightenment. Just as death is not the end, neither is birth the beginning. We exist, eternally and ultimately in a constant state of transition for all infinity.
Personally, I rather like this last concept the best. It provides a great deal more hope than other philosophies, in that it considers that our lives as we know them are simply moments within our greater existence. That beyond this world, is another consciousness that knows far more than we recognize.
If we explore this idea; (as my brain begins to hurt…) The concept of Taoism is to live within the moment, correct? Neither here nor there, no past or future- simply making choices as they arrive and walking the path as it is laid beneath our feet.
So, if we can translate this concept of “the now” into the realm of life and death and what was before and what comes next… we may consider that the reason we don’t have any true idea of our spirit’s wanderings prior to or after this life is simply because our spirit dwells perfectly within the now. We cannot see beyond it; as it simply does not matter in this moment. It mattered before, when we were there… and what happens next will happen then… and we’ll know about that when we get there. A possibility? Why not?
So now, back to the idea of mourning; we grieve our own losses, not the journey for those we have lost. We allow our selfish hold upon the world to grasp at others’ spirits as they pass.
A typical trick for grief counselors is to allow the following processes to take place in those who are grief stricken; denial, bargaining, anger, sadness/depression and finally acceptance.
These are the same stages provided by most psychologists for dealing with ones own mortality. How interesting that modern psychology uses the same technique for one’s own death as it does for the deaths of those we love.
I think this leads me to my final conclusion on the subject;
Grief and mourning take place as we pass through any transition. We rarely notice most of our losses, however we go through several a day! When we start a venture, we are loosing the previous one. When we are in a relationship, we loose our title of “single”. When we are married, we are no longer available. When we are parents, we are no longer childless. When we are employed, we are no longer free to pursue a career, as we already have one. When we wake, we loose our status of being asleep.
We transition and loose things, and statuses and titles every day if you think about it. There is a period of mourning afforded to each transition some handle these more easily than others. Some adapt and move forward, and others cling, find it difficult to move on, or out of fear of loss, they simply don’t move anywhere.
Perhaps this means then, for those that struggle with moving forward in their lives and those that seem to live stagnant, unfulfilled existences- perhaps they should consider that they are not afraid, but instead grieving- mourning a life that has or will be altered by that change. Let’s toast to change, embrace life and our choices to move forward. Don’t fear the past, or the future- just be. And be happy, while we’re at it. ;-)

An entry from the vaults

I wrote this after a particularly dark period in my life, when I contemplated my purpose and considered the worst of myself. I thought it important to post it here, so it could be seen clearly that although I might know what to do, I struggle with the decision every day and sometimes the rage in the world takes over, even the most diligent of students seeking peace. So here it is;
**
Have to renew my faith in humanity again.
How do you do that when everything you see, when 90% of everything you come in contact with is weakness, stupidity, blind faith, nothing but ego, obsession with the dollar and greed?
How do you fight for good when it seems like the only good that you can create will come out of the destruction of nearly everything?
Somehow I have to find a way to remember that human kind is worth saving, worth wanting to be a part of it.
I'm not saying it's impossible. I'm saying.. I can't see it. I'm saying, it doesn't seem worth the fight anymore.
And I'm just so tired of pretending to care. I'm tired of catering to stupidity and selfishness.
I'm tired of the safe, comfortable approach. I'm sick to death with politically correct and new math and don't ask don't tell and banning dodge ball. I'm disgusted with this incessant need of people to have to cater to the lowest common denominator in humanity.
I saw a lady walking down the street the other day. She had a jacked up, broken umbrella. I drove around the block and back up to where she was to give her a new one, cuz I had two in my trunk. I just handed it to her and walked away, hoping it made her smile. Even if I don't have faith, I hope others still do. Even if I don't, if I can give someone else a little something to help them through the day, then rock on. All I can do is what I do.
The world, the people, all of us... is it all really worth saving the infection?
**
What I learned took all this time to see; destruction is life. Darkness creates dawn and balance is the key to all things. Patience proves all mysteries and in the dirty, dark terrible storms of rage, comes the fruitful, clear skies of peace. War, death, love and pleasure all circle around the same bright star of truth;
Ishtar's brilliant morning star of guidance.
Everything came full circle as I reread this and I came to understand my place in this vast web of insanity. I always said I served the purpose of creating necessary destruction. I always felt that I was a catalyst of chaos and change, and yet... I sat for years in my cave, fearing the outside, the sun on my face was terrifying and I couldn't begin to take those steps.
Funny thing happened, though... I realized I'd been taking them all along and I wasn't even seeing it.
The world is full of pain, greed and anger. These are not things to be disgusted by, simply to be seen as part of the process. Although we may not enjoy them, just as we didn't enjoy the ache in our bodies as we grew as children. We may not enjoy the mire of disease and the filth of evil deeds any more than we did the acne on our faces and the awkward confusion of our youth, but it was all necessary.
We are all agents of chaos, we are all the enforcers of peace. It is our nature to be both parents and death dealers and our human condition ensures we are both Batman and Joker in every moment.
A very wise person once said, pain is weakness leaving the body. Pain, as it is experienced on earth, is a new lesson for all of us, building greater strength as we grow.

Choices

When making life choices...
Holding true to your nature and your personal set of values is most important, above all things. It is essential to stretch out, to gain new knowledge and to push the boundaries so that you may learn where your limitations are, seek to overcome them and challenge yourself to always reach to new heights. Ultimately, each life experience should be in alignment with your true self. To me, I don’t think of my service to others as changing myself for their needs, because I’m in service to others, which ultimately stays within my realm of “right,” no matter what. However, if I were asked to change core personality traits for the sake of others, to be what someone else wanted, this no longer fits into my true nature. With that also goes the fact that the longer I fight to be something I are not for the sake of an ideal, the more miserable I will become.
The lesson to be learned is simply to remember that in all things, truth is the most valuable gift that can be given to the self and those around you.
That’s my thought for the day.

The simplicity of change

Do you think that life is made of candy and flowers and sunshine? Or is it made of iron and steel and fire? Are you more inclined to believe humans are self absorbed, disingenuous asses, or good-natured yet, scarred, victimized children trapped in adult’s worries and fears?
Do you believe in the idea that people are inherently good, that we all have darkness within us, burning to get out, or that we are ignorant fools easily swayed by unseen forces of doom that we must shun and fear in order to keep ourselves honest?
Personally, I think we think about what goes on in others' head’s way too much. I’d like to further understand my own mind and consciousness and with that understanding, help others. I’d like to be a light that shines on possibilities that others might grasp, so they may find their bliss and move forward in their lives, successfully. I’d love to think that within us all is a raging demon and a glorious angelic force, not foes but friends.. equal and vital, and necessary to existence. That succumbing to the sins of our demons gives us knowledge and power and that little tilt on the corner of our mouths as we smirk with secret knowing and our angel feels compassion for all around us, fearing nothing and guiding us toward our true selves.
I am forever the catalyst and will gladly lay the stonework across rivers and light candles in dark hallways for those who are willing to travel.
I don’t really pass judgment, I just try to help. Okay, so maybe I pass judgment. LOL… but I try not to be too mean about it.
Sometimes.
Okay, if you’re really stupid and doing nothing in your life but reacting and don’t actually use your brain, I’ll probably be really mean about it.
No one should be allowed to have a brain and a soul and do nothing with it. If you’re going to be a victim your whole life, you might as well shoot yourself in the face and get it over with.
Seriously, there’s nothing worse than some poor sap who would rather talk about how horrible their life is while they do NOTHING to fix it.
So you have a choice; do you choose to be a victim or a hero? Do you save yourself, or wait for someone to rescue you from your tower?
That is a question only you can answer, but make no mistake; you choose your reality. If you aren't happy with the answer, change it. It really is as simple as it sounds. All you have to do is jump and instinct will do the rest for you.