Monday, October 29, 2012
My thoughts on Scout issues
I am prefacing this with the statement below for your consideration;
I know I usually provide only general good advice and inner thoughts that might help someone through their day, but I felt if anywhere this was appropriate to post, this would be the place to do it. I am passionate about this topic and feel it is relevant because so many of us fall upon the sword of hate in our lives, so many of us wield the same sword, even while it still drips with our own blood. We hate and hate the haters continually and I believe it's vital to our survival as a species that we stop that hate, recognize our own shortcomings and take a risk to overcome them by loving ourselves and one another, not shunning one another for our differences.
My desire to post this is not to stir up controversy or a theology argument, but to allow you an opportunity to consider a potential truth. Read it and continue to believe the words that speak to your spirit. I will continue to love and respect you, no matter what your perspective. <3
~
I once signed someone's petition through change.org, so now I get emails every day from random people asking me to help with their causes. Sometimes I look at these emails, sometimes I don't, sometimes I read the heading and think, “there’s a reason you can’t have that” and leave it alone, but today I did read it. I read the heading of the email and it was enough to make me open it up and take a moment to read her plea for help. By the time I was done with my email, I was angry, sad and disappointed all at once. Here's a piece of the email; "My son Ryan has been a Boy Scout since he was 6 years old, and now, a few days before his 18th birthday, he has fulfilled all the requirements to be an Eagle Scout. But because Ryan recently came out to his friends and family as gay, leaders from our local Boy Scout troop say they won't approve Ryan's Eagle award."
This is not the first message regarding people’s frustration with the Scouts and their policy on the gay community I’ve seen in the last few months. This whole concept wasn’t new to me and it wasn’t a shock, in fact, the media is somewhat saturated with it right now but even still, for some reason this one got to me.
I understand this is a Christian organization upholding a core set of values that focus on their beliefs. I respect that and even if I don't agree, I still hold to the principle that organizations have a right to enact any (legal) standards they see fit in their own group/business/company. If they want to demand that everyone who crosses their threshold speaks in pirate and wears a grass skirt, so be it. If they want to demand that only people with brown eyes are allowed to join, well that’s their prerogative and the blue eyed folks will just have to start their own club.
Having said that, this is what bothers me- From a Christian perspective, this does not seem like a just act on their part. The child grew up in the family of the Scouts and behaved exactly as he was expected to throughout his entire life. He represented the organization with honor and dignity and made them proud for over a decade and yet when it came time for him to be awarded for his many years of service to the organization, they turned their backs on him and denied him the award that represented all those years of service. Nowhere in the rule books, codes of conduct, Scout Oath or Scout Law does it state being homosexual is forbidden. The rule book does demand a scout act with honor, dignity and morality. None of these fundamentals are being used in the treatment of this young man.
I've tried to keep an open mind with the Scouts as they have come under fire a great deal recently over this because I have family in the scouts and I may even want my son to join them one day... but this is just something I cannot agree to disagree with or continue to ignore without throwing in my two cents.
The young man just turned 18. He hasn’t yet engaged in any romantic behavior, homosexual or otherwise. It’s simply the fact that he is not heterosexual that causes this organization to turn their backs on him and disgrace him, nullify his 15 years of service and deny him his due recognition for work already done.
In the Bible, there are many references to homosexuality and “lying with a man as one lies with a woman” and how that act is “detestable” and “vile.” They are right, it’s in there- plain as day and clear as crystal, but here’s the thing; if you’re like me, you trust the word of God. Many believe that the word of God is spoken through many who interpreted that word and those interpretations are what we now call The Bible. I may be a cynic, but I just don’t trust the words of other men acting in the name of God. I trust the words of Jesus, not the words of any other man capable of sin in ways that Jesus was not. If we follow Christian law and ideals, Christ was above sin and was the living God incarnate. Which to me, means his word goes and is far reaching above the word of man, even a holy man, even a “Christ-like” man, because every man has an agenda. Every man is capable of darkness and ego and none are above it- this is also Christian law, as far as I understand it. That being said, I personally will take the word of Christ over the word of a disciple any day. Maybe that’s short sighted, but forgive me if I just don’t trust people all that much to not create a law based on their own personal preference knowing no one will challenge them!
I also realize that the entire book has been written and rewritten so many times to fit leaders’ agendas it’s difficult to trust anything as sacred, but I’m taking a leap of faith here in order to make my point so bear with me.
Matthew 22:36-4, New International Version (NIV)
36 “Teacher, which is the greatest commandment in the Law?”
37 Jesus replied: “‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’[a] 38 This is the first and greatest commandment. 39 And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’[b] 40 All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments.”
You see, Jesus he didn’t say “Love thy neighbor as yourself, unless they are homosexual, in which case you’re welcome to cast them out of every social circle, deny them access to the house of the lord, deny them the right to become men and women of ministry and prevent them from sharing equal marriage rights.” That was NO where in that statement as far as I can tell.
His message was love, above all else- love. Love to Christ is not love like romantic love or even the casual polite understanding we claim to be love between friends and it’s supposed to be an unknowable volume more than the love a parent has for a child. The love that is taught by Christ is an all encompassing, unconditional compassionate love; “agape” that sees within each person to the core of their soul. It can easily weigh and measure each sin and good deed and love regardless with open arms of sanctuary all with only a belief in that love in exchange. There is absolutely no documentation anywhere to indicate Jesus, the Christ, the Living God, the Son of the Heavenly Father EVER stated it was acceptable to hate, shun, deny or abandon homosexuals and keep them from their lives and lifestyles. He never instructed those who followed him to deny them the right to join hands in marriage and he never indicated it would be just or righteous to prevent them from having the same rights as heterosexuals.
For this reason, any organization or company that supports this line of thinking in the name of Christian Law, I believe, is acting against Christ and shunning his most precious and fundamental request of mankind; to love.
We can speculate that as a Jew, Jesus did follow the laws of Moses which state blatantly that homosexual behavior is unacceptable. However, most churches and Christian belief systems will encourage against speculation because you should only believe what is written and not get in too deep with your own ideas on what the people in the Bible were thinking.
With that in mind, I looked up Cor. 6:9-11, a typical verse sited when considering homosexuality and the Christian world in which, according to the King James version, states the following;
“1 Corinthians 6:9-11
King James Version (KJV)
9 Know ye not that the unrighteous shall not inherit the kingdom of God? Be not deceived: neither fornicators, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor effeminate, nor abusers of themselves with mankind,
10 Nor thieves, nor covetous, nor drunkards, nor revilers, nor extortioners, shall inherit the kingdom of God.
11 And such were some of you: but ye are washed, but ye are sanctified, but ye are justified in the name of the Lord Jesus, and by the Spirit of our God.”
As far as I can tell, and please know I’m not by any means a Bible scholar here, but it seems to only site “the effeminate” which is to me, a little vague. I’ve seen other versions that were put together after this, more modern versions that have replaced effeminate with homosexual, which are NOT the same word. I’m assuming as time has gone on, people chose to interpret the statement as they saw fit and as I understand it, Paul is speaking in direct regards to the Greeks and their licentious practices involving men and women as they engaged in sexual practices that were frivolous acts of lust and violence, not sacred acts of love and commitment.
When evaluating that statement carefully in other versions of the text, the word “effeminate” was originally written as, “arsenokoita” (meaning “men and “bed”)or, translated as those “that defile themselves with mankind” because supposedly there was no word for homosexuality. Once this was discovered, the more modern editors changed the word to homosexuality just to “clarify things” for the modern reader. Unfortunately, this was not a true statement, as there was a word in the time used for homosexuality. Paul could easily have used the term “paiderasst”, as this was the appropriate and common term used in the day to represent homosexual behavior in Greece at the time. This also indicates the word exchange per the editor’s preference over time because for some time, this reference to “those that defile themselves with mankind” referred to masturbators and had absolutely nothing to do with homosexual activity. In fact, as masturbation became more accepted in the 20th century, the terms seen in Bible printings up to that point changed from “”those that defile themselves with mankind” to “effeminate” or outright stating “homosexuality” even though this particular term or was completely nonexistent in the time of Paul.
I realize I’m skimming the surface looking for specific things here and I may be missing something but as far as I can tell, nowhere in the Bible does Jesus/God himself condemn, shun or abandon homosexuals as children of God. Nowhere does he state that a Christian should become an advocate against same sex marriage and nowhere in the Bible does it state homosexuals are denied access to heaven or should be treated as ungodly creatures of sin.
Jesus did reiterate the importance of Genesis 2:24 (“Wherefore a man shall leave father and mother, and shall cleave to his wife” etc.) when asked about divorce and the value of commitment, but I’m not sure how that denies the right of a same-sex couple from marrying, as it only states the value of the commitment of marriage under God between a man and a woman. It does not define this arrangement as the only gender combination of marriage allowed, nor does it state “a man shall leave father and mother and shall cleave to his wife only and man shall never engage in marriage to another man”. If the Bible stated this, perhaps we wouldn’t be faced with such a challenge in this area. Many Christians do believe this implies it’s the only right combination, but the fact of the matter is that when you look, even carefully to find the words to justify hate, condemnation and the denial of equal rights to the homosexual community, it simply isn’t there.
So, what does all this mean to me? It means that men have decided this, neither God nor Jesus. Jesus taught only love, love through Grace and according to everything I’ve read in the Bible, Grace is not awarded or taken away because of sexual orientation. No man, even a disciple, has the right to dictate otherwise.
It does however state very clearly the vast importance of loving one another- all peoples, regardless of any differences. It states the importance of giving, charity and understanding, as we are asked to look inward to see the similarities between one another rather than our differences. We are asked to have compassion for all people and to draw people toward God by showing “his” love through our works, our minds and our lives.
So sure, the Scouts can go ahead and have whatever type of club they want and if they don’t want homosexual teens to be a part of it, that’s their right but in no way can this be called a Christian decision.
Considering they’re perfectly willing to knowingly harbor hundreds of known sex offenders as scout leaders, I question the moral integrity of the organization at its very core. It’s so disappointing to see such a respected group fail to provide respect to others. I feel this may be the beginning of their end, truly the end of an amazing era of service, strength and honor. Many young men across the country will miss out.
Monday, March 26, 2012
Healthful thinking... in sickness and in health?
I am often reminded how fragile life is and how precious a gift it can be. I am just as often, able to forget and take for granted the gifts I have been offered and I abuse the life I have been given.
I want to focus on maintaining an attitude of necessary, healthful living without having to have a fear of dying to keep me honest.
As many of you know, I spent the greater part of last year dealing with postpartum depression and anxiety. I haven't really talked about just how bad it was, I didn't want to worry anyone or make anyone feel like I was pulling a "poor me" moment, but I can tell you now, I have never felt so horrible for so many days consecutively in my life. The only way I can explain how it feels to someone who hasn't experienced it, is like this; take your worst break-up experience- the one that sent you into a crisis of life changing proportions, the one that shattered not only your heart but your soul and the idea of who you thought you were... take that feeling and add it to the feeling of the death of a close friend or family member and all the pain, loss and absence of joy that goes with it and then tack on top, a fear so profound that the idea of finding out you have a life threatening disease would probably feel better than this.
It's all of those feelings, all at once, all the time. For months. In the happiest year of my life- the first year of my first child's, I felt like I was living in a black box.
My life was a dark room. "One, big, dark room." Yes, I can laugh about it now and make jokes like that, but a year ago today, I guarantee you I was awake at 3am just as I am now, probably clutching my baby in a dark, sleeping house afraid I'd die of a stroke or that an earthquake would hit and kill us, or someone would break into our house and I'd be helpless against them, or some other equally horrifying scenario that wouldn't stop playing itself out in my mind.
That constant feeling of dread caused me to change my life, my thinking, my actions day to day and all for the better until the anxiety began to melt away under the light of knowing I was the one in control, not those rambling images of doom and I was able to do it without medication. The entire experience still terrifies me a little and I'm doing all I can to ensure it doesn't happen again with my current pregnancy.
So often, I think the only time we care about our health (both physically and spiritually) is when it's gone so far down into self destruction that we have to do something in order to stay alive.
As I sit here awake at 3:15am, babysitting my blood sugar levels and hoping I don't crash... I am reminded that I knew better and worked very hard last year to ensure these issues didn't come back. I knew how to prevent what's happening right now and I chose to eat that pie anyway, even though I didn't have enough solid protein to back it up.
I took for granted a simple rule because I felt fine and now I'm sitting here at 3am trying to make sure it doesn't crash dangerously in my sleep. I don't want to be someone who "knew better" and did whatever I felt like anyway and end up hurting myself because of it.
This whole situation got me thinking about our culture in the metaphysical world and the constant presence of abandon we seem to see consistently. I often call them the "faire pagans", but we're all guilty of it- we all say we're on a divine path, that our bodies are temples and that we honor ourselves as we do our divinity- and yet, we'll smoke, drink, use drugs, fatigue our bodies with too little sleep, we don't give honor at all, in fact, we defile ourselves consistently!
Why is it such a challenge to do what is best for ourselves when times are good? Being the people we are, shouldn't we be the first ones in line to be healthy, to live balanced, holistic lives that honor ourselves as temples of the Gods and not so often abandon our own safety for the pleasure of a few moments? Why then, does it seem that the pagan community as a whole, suffers from this more than most? Cakes and ale doesn't mean get drunk off your ass and sleep with your coven. Praying to Bacchus doesn't give you the excuse to destroy your liver, abandon your marriage vows and party like a frat boy till you throw up and then laugh about the fact that you can't even remember half of it ...and yet, this seems to be the case so much of the time in our culture.
How can we maintain a healthy understanding of consequence that allows us to stay on track without the anxiety of worst case scenario thinking to keep us honest and on target with our meditation, diet, exercise, writing, ritual, whatever it happens to be? It seems to be all or nothing and I know it's not just with me, but with most people I know, regardless of spiritual persuasion.
So, my question is... how can we fight the inner rebellion against whatever we know we aught to do for ourselves both physically and spiritually to create a peaceful union between body and spirit and maintain that union even when things seem just fine? What is our attraction to doing the opposite for our well being?
Even a single celled amoeba can figure out how to avoid hazardous obstacles- why is it so very hard for us?
From smoking, to drinking, diet, sedentary lifestyles, lack of spirituality, toxic friendships, destructive relationships, we- humans in general, constantly put ourselves in harm's way and then try to defend our actions through some sort of personal declaration of independence; "I am my own person and I'll destroy myself if I feel like it". Even when I was ultra goth and tragic that mentality didn't make any sense and as I smoked my cloves and drank my jack, I defiantly stated to the universe; "I don't care!"... Well, now I do. I do care. I always did actually, I was just sad for a long, long time and somehow the self destruction felt like I at least had control of something at a time when I felt I had no control over anything.
Now that I realize the illusion of my consciousness, I understand I always had control. So then I ask myself, why is it so easy to step back into a state of reaction instead of acting intentionally for the sake of good health? I honestly don't have a good answer for this.
We all hold onto something- some defiant part of our minds wants to hold onto it, to own it, we use it as an identifier or a rebellious, foot stamping "because I can" statement. Some people smoke, some drink, some procrastinate, some never finish anything, some never start anything. Some "wish" they could do things but never act to make them happen. Some look at others and judge instead of holding the mirror to themselves. Some people do one good thing a month and they say, "it's better than nothing" and some people get angry and stressed at everything instead of approaching life from a positive place.
What is your excuse to hold onto your vice... whatever that vice happens to be... and what would it take for you to quit doing it to live the complete life you want for yourself? What would it take to give up that destructive habit before it kills you or makes you so sick you have no choice but to act?
Are you willing to find out how sick it can make you before you bother to do something about it, or can we just agree that it needs to stop now?
I personally don't want to wait to find out what it would take to get me to change. I'd rather just change and never get to that point of "hitting bottom" so to speak, I just can't seem to maintain that desire.
What are your thoughts on this? Does anyone have any meditations or advice on how to build this resolve to withstand the "easier" times? I think we could all benefit from knowing how to better keep ourselves in check.
I want to focus on maintaining an attitude of necessary, healthful living without having to have a fear of dying to keep me honest.
As many of you know, I spent the greater part of last year dealing with postpartum depression and anxiety. I haven't really talked about just how bad it was, I didn't want to worry anyone or make anyone feel like I was pulling a "poor me" moment, but I can tell you now, I have never felt so horrible for so many days consecutively in my life. The only way I can explain how it feels to someone who hasn't experienced it, is like this; take your worst break-up experience- the one that sent you into a crisis of life changing proportions, the one that shattered not only your heart but your soul and the idea of who you thought you were... take that feeling and add it to the feeling of the death of a close friend or family member and all the pain, loss and absence of joy that goes with it and then tack on top, a fear so profound that the idea of finding out you have a life threatening disease would probably feel better than this.
It's all of those feelings, all at once, all the time. For months. In the happiest year of my life- the first year of my first child's, I felt like I was living in a black box.
My life was a dark room. "One, big, dark room." Yes, I can laugh about it now and make jokes like that, but a year ago today, I guarantee you I was awake at 3am just as I am now, probably clutching my baby in a dark, sleeping house afraid I'd die of a stroke or that an earthquake would hit and kill us, or someone would break into our house and I'd be helpless against them, or some other equally horrifying scenario that wouldn't stop playing itself out in my mind.
That constant feeling of dread caused me to change my life, my thinking, my actions day to day and all for the better until the anxiety began to melt away under the light of knowing I was the one in control, not those rambling images of doom and I was able to do it without medication. The entire experience still terrifies me a little and I'm doing all I can to ensure it doesn't happen again with my current pregnancy.
So often, I think the only time we care about our health (both physically and spiritually) is when it's gone so far down into self destruction that we have to do something in order to stay alive.
As I sit here awake at 3:15am, babysitting my blood sugar levels and hoping I don't crash... I am reminded that I knew better and worked very hard last year to ensure these issues didn't come back. I knew how to prevent what's happening right now and I chose to eat that pie anyway, even though I didn't have enough solid protein to back it up.
I took for granted a simple rule because I felt fine and now I'm sitting here at 3am trying to make sure it doesn't crash dangerously in my sleep. I don't want to be someone who "knew better" and did whatever I felt like anyway and end up hurting myself because of it.
This whole situation got me thinking about our culture in the metaphysical world and the constant presence of abandon we seem to see consistently. I often call them the "faire pagans", but we're all guilty of it- we all say we're on a divine path, that our bodies are temples and that we honor ourselves as we do our divinity- and yet, we'll smoke, drink, use drugs, fatigue our bodies with too little sleep, we don't give honor at all, in fact, we defile ourselves consistently!
Why is it such a challenge to do what is best for ourselves when times are good? Being the people we are, shouldn't we be the first ones in line to be healthy, to live balanced, holistic lives that honor ourselves as temples of the Gods and not so often abandon our own safety for the pleasure of a few moments? Why then, does it seem that the pagan community as a whole, suffers from this more than most? Cakes and ale doesn't mean get drunk off your ass and sleep with your coven. Praying to Bacchus doesn't give you the excuse to destroy your liver, abandon your marriage vows and party like a frat boy till you throw up and then laugh about the fact that you can't even remember half of it ...and yet, this seems to be the case so much of the time in our culture.
How can we maintain a healthy understanding of consequence that allows us to stay on track without the anxiety of worst case scenario thinking to keep us honest and on target with our meditation, diet, exercise, writing, ritual, whatever it happens to be? It seems to be all or nothing and I know it's not just with me, but with most people I know, regardless of spiritual persuasion.
So, my question is... how can we fight the inner rebellion against whatever we know we aught to do for ourselves both physically and spiritually to create a peaceful union between body and spirit and maintain that union even when things seem just fine? What is our attraction to doing the opposite for our well being?
Even a single celled amoeba can figure out how to avoid hazardous obstacles- why is it so very hard for us?
From smoking, to drinking, diet, sedentary lifestyles, lack of spirituality, toxic friendships, destructive relationships, we- humans in general, constantly put ourselves in harm's way and then try to defend our actions through some sort of personal declaration of independence; "I am my own person and I'll destroy myself if I feel like it". Even when I was ultra goth and tragic that mentality didn't make any sense and as I smoked my cloves and drank my jack, I defiantly stated to the universe; "I don't care!"... Well, now I do. I do care. I always did actually, I was just sad for a long, long time and somehow the self destruction felt like I at least had control of something at a time when I felt I had no control over anything.
Now that I realize the illusion of my consciousness, I understand I always had control. So then I ask myself, why is it so easy to step back into a state of reaction instead of acting intentionally for the sake of good health? I honestly don't have a good answer for this.
We all hold onto something- some defiant part of our minds wants to hold onto it, to own it, we use it as an identifier or a rebellious, foot stamping "because I can" statement. Some people smoke, some drink, some procrastinate, some never finish anything, some never start anything. Some "wish" they could do things but never act to make them happen. Some look at others and judge instead of holding the mirror to themselves. Some people do one good thing a month and they say, "it's better than nothing" and some people get angry and stressed at everything instead of approaching life from a positive place.
What is your excuse to hold onto your vice... whatever that vice happens to be... and what would it take for you to quit doing it to live the complete life you want for yourself? What would it take to give up that destructive habit before it kills you or makes you so sick you have no choice but to act?
Are you willing to find out how sick it can make you before you bother to do something about it, or can we just agree that it needs to stop now?
I personally don't want to wait to find out what it would take to get me to change. I'd rather just change and never get to that point of "hitting bottom" so to speak, I just can't seem to maintain that desire.
What are your thoughts on this? Does anyone have any meditations or advice on how to build this resolve to withstand the "easier" times? I think we could all benefit from knowing how to better keep ourselves in check.
Saturday, March 10, 2012
Judgment
I just got finished reading a popular article floating around the internet written by a woman who is apologizing to the world, to parents she knew and those she didn’t for the judgment she passed on them prior to having children. She remarks how pre-children, she had all these ideas and opinions, she knew exactly how she was going to parent and what was the right and wrong thing to do. She continues to apologize openly for her smugness, her lack of understanding and her naive belief that it was easy to do the job she had yet to do.
As I was reading this article, I began to think of three things; my own pre-child judgments and ideas of how I would raise a child, those I have judged and the actions of my own that are judged by others. This topic has come up a great deal in the last few weeks, enough to inspire me out of my year-long writer's block and post something up here that I think might be valuable to you.
In general, those who know me know I’m not a big fan of judgment in general. I avoid situations that will create judgment to the point where I don’t invite people over because I don’t want them to see my messy house that looks like a preschool. I realized this past year, the first year after my first child was born, that I judge a lot more than I realized. I judge people’s character, their dress, their ways of presenting themselves to people they don’t know, their personal style and statements, their religious convictions, their judgment of others, their egotism, their audacity to think they have any right to counsel others without degrees and professional training, the list goes on and on.
I also realized I am surrounded by people who judge. I have friends who are pagan who judge the actions and beliefs of Christians. I have Christian friends who judge the actions and beliefs of pagans. I have Jewish and pseudo-Jewish friends who judge… well, everyone. I have gay friends who judge conservatives, I have conservative friends who judge gays and liberals and liberal friends who judge anyone who tells them they are wrong. I have friends who have kids who judge others who don’t have families at all and I have friends who don’t have kids, don’t want them and don’t particularly like them who judge anyone who has them. The more I realized this, the more repellant I became toward the behavior.
I began to see clearly when I was about four months pregnant and first started showing. Situations began to come up that would start as innocent enough questions, turning quickly into a “are you sure” conversation with the eyebrow and the uncomfortable throat-clearing. Questions about the baby; names, birthing process, location of the birth, will I vaccinate, will I make my own food, will I be using cloth diapers, am I still dying my hair, how will I decorate his room, will I return to work and was I really planning to go to a 5 day comic book convention in July while 5 ½ months pregnant. That wasn’t just it, though. Some of what I noticed had nothing at all to do with the baby.
I was about 5 months along and sitting at a family gathering, listening to every single member of my family from age 15 up through age 65 in a conversation about how stupid a certain group of people were and how ridiculous it was that they act/dress the way they do. I stood back horrified, frustrated and getting more anxious by the minute as I realized I had dear friends in this anonymous group they were bashing and no one noticed what was happening except for me. I was suddenly hit with this realization that even the people I love judge indiscriminately, blindly and they feel justified in doing so and it’s not just my family- it’s everyone.
They take a group of people or a subject and draw conclusions based on what they see in that moment, making assumptions about their character and who knows what else. Anyone with any logic knows this is not the best way to evaluate a situation, and yet… in a room full of educated people, judgment abounds. I’ve spent the last two years now evaluating this behavior in myself and those around me and doing my best to purge it from my universe. I realize I can’t change how others think, but I can absolutely change the way I think, who I spend time with and hope that my influence encourages others to be less judgmental.
I started by evaluating my situation; the groups I traveled in over the years and the people in my life. I decided I had better set some standards in this area before my babies are too big because with any luck, I can help them to never develop these tendencies at all. I began listening for choice phrases and comments, those like; “I love her, but...”, “she’s a nice person, but…” and other, similar statements. All of these phrases and many more are masked judgments, viewing another’s actions to be wrong somehow but in a polite, passive-aggressive way that makes the person feel like they’re not really being unloving or judgmental, they’re just observing or they care, so they are concerned that the person is wrong.
I am not a stranger to judgment; it’s been a part of my life, my entire life. They have judged me long before I was pregnant, they judged me twice as much once I was and they continue to do so now that I’m a mother. I’ve been judged because I was homeschooled, because I was a goth, because I went to RHPS, because I smoked clove cigarettes, because I wore Doc Martins with dresses, had blue and purple hair and I pierced my tongue. I’ve been judged because I am not and don’t believe I need to be baptized. I am judged because I have spiritual beliefs that many others can’t fathom and I believe it’s because they hold onto their belief that theirs is the only right way and judge everyone else as being wrong.
As a pregnant woman of 33 years, I was judged because I couldn’t take a birthing class because I worked 12 hours a day and went to school full time. I was judged because I was older. I was judged because we moved 65 miles away from my hospital and I refused to change doctors. I was judged because I chose to have my baby in a first class hospital that was over an hour away rather than a second rate hospital close to home. I was judged because I scheduled an inducement 1 week prior to my due date because I didn’t want to be stuck in labor, in traffic, on a random week day afternoon. (Turned out he was breech so a c-section was necessary anyway AND my water broke 3 weeks early so none of that mattered) I was judged because I chose a hospital instead of a home birth. I was judged because I chose a physician instead of a midwife or a doula.
Now that my child is born and is a young toddler, I know I am judged because I am an attachment parent. I know I am judged because my child has five names. I was judged because I exclusively breastfed and refused to let him eat solid food until he was 7 months old and when we began solids, it was only for fun, once a day or so at best until he was a year old and I only made it myself, spending the extra money on organic foods to puree in my Baby Bullet. I eventually got brave enough to try the organic pre-packaged products, but I still only use them sparingly. I have them on hand to use when I’m too tired or have a particularly fast morning that will require breakfast on the go, or I’m low on groceries that he can eat or he doesn’t want to eat anything I give him. I know I’m judged because I let him watch Yo Gaba Gaba, In the Night Garden and The WotWots and I usually leave Nick Jr on all day because it’s educational and I need the background noise and I figure that’s probably better than every other option out there. I’m judged because he takes his naps on the living room couch and not in a crib. I’m judged because I nurse in public and I STILL nurse my now, 16 month old baby even though I’m four months pregnant with our second. I am judged because I don’t go out much anymore. I’m judged because I have only been to 4 movies in the theater since I was 8 months pregnant with him and I’m judged because I use Huggies instead of cloth or more natural brand diapers. I’m judged because I stay home with him instead of working, even though we’re crazy poor. I’m judged because he’s only used his crib probably 12 times since he was born and the rest of the time, he sleeps with us. I’m judged because I chose to vaccinate him. I am judged because I chose not to vaccinate him with the flu shot. I’m judged because I don’t like to give him fast food, but sometimes I do anyway because he needs to eat and I can’t stop and feed him something better. I’m judged because I don’t like to stop him from making noise in public if he’s not being bratty because I believe he is exploring his voice and I encourage that rather than cover his mouth and tell him he’s being bad for happily wailing at a restaurant dinner table.
Whether it’s religious, political, parent-related or what color hair I have, the bottom line is people are always going to judge my actions and I will always fight that attitude within myself and try my best not to judge them in return.
So what’s my point with 2 pages of how I know people think I suck? Well, here’s the deal; all of this could make me really bitter, angry and defensive about my life. I could allow their judgments to hurt me emotionally until it began to damage my outlook on life and humanity in general. I could jump on a soap box and shake my finger at those who seek to prove how wrong I and others like me are and get violent, storm businesses, protest in front of government buildings or just bash people on my facebook page to make myself feel better as I hurt someone else. I see people doing it all the time and I wonder if they realize what they are doing. I see people who have been hurt lash out at those who hurt them and do exactly the same thing that was done to them, but because it happened to them first, it’s somehow okay, justified, righteous. The phrase, “these idiots make me feel like crap because I don’t believe what they do, those infantile morons don’t even read their own books” or, “hahaha, they’re so stupid for believing in this, I’d never be that much of a follower” are a few good examples of what I mean here. Justified judgment is still judgment and it still brings out negative energy that is absolutely unnecessary.
Simply put, I believe everyone has something to teach, something to learn and their lessons are designed for them and them alone. It is not my place to tell another person their path is wrong because it’s not my path. I may not wish it for myself or strive to emulate their behavior, but it’s their own life- as long as they’re not hurting anyone it’s really none of my business.
It’s hard not to judge the judgers. This I believe is the true lesson to be learned in all this. Recognize the judgments you cast upon others, even in passing from “that guy in the car ahead of me cut me off, the moron”, to, “all paganism is, are a bunch of irresponsible drunks who have no morals or sense of consequence” and everything in between. Maybe that guy was racing to the hospital to see their father one last time before they pulled the plug. Maybe not, but you don’t know either way. If you make a choice to assume the worst in people, choose to think the best instead.
Sit with yourself in truth and hear the elitist violence you speak toward others even in small ways, even in masked ways that feel like concern but laced with judgment and self-righteousness, or comedy. Many of us have grown comfortable with meanness masked as humor but it is no less violent to the spirit and damaging to the bright light in your soul. Elitism, even when presented as humor, is negative and unnecessary. It’s a nasty way we have been able to openly bash people in a socially acceptable way. To rid yourself of judgment, you must rid yourself of this hate masked as humor. Allow yourself to let go of these tendencies, these “do-gooder” attitudes or the flippant “I’m just kidding” excuses and realize that with every breath, you are your own mind and yours is the only life you can change. By choosing to change for the better in a loving and compassionate way, you will change those around you. Those who thrive on the negative behavior of judgment will eventually move away from you to find others that enjoy it and will feed on and perpetuate it.
It may be difficult at first and you’ll catch yourself often but take it as a lesson and move forward into a more loving being who can embrace the differences in others, pitying their limitations and loving them for the lessons they will be taught. Be ambassadors of love and compassion by disagreeing in a room full of people who are judging, take care to love those who judge and offer an alternate perspective and be brave enough to love them even if they continue to disagree.
It’s hard to let go of these behaviors because they are such ingrained aspects of our being but we learn time and again that all it causes is pain. No one comes to a faith because they were told they were wrong. They come to a faith or social group, a way of living or a lifestyle that embraces them in loving acceptance and helps to show them a path that brings them joy.
Being an attachment parent who likes educational tv is for me, what brings me joy. My child with his five names and a family legacy to take with him through his life brings me joy. My friends, diverse and on all sides of every type of coin bring me joy.
I realize this isn't what used to bring me joy and that may seem strange to some. I know I am judged because I don’t go out much anymore, I know people may think that I’ve lost my identity and that I am wrong for the way I’ve chosen to live. I know that my love of Jack and Coke and clove cigarettes with a mocha was life's best pleasure for me, but things change, friends. Life changes and moves forward and I moved with it. Staying home with my family watching a movie or taking a walk and watching my son discover dogs and grass and birds… I have no use for drugs of any kind with this simple pleasure of life at arm’s reach every day. This is where I want to be now, not dressing up and leaving him behind to go pretend I’m not who I am now in a club or a bar. I don’t have to cling to my “identity” by leaving my child at home to go to a party or a concert. If I really want to do those things, I will. I try not to judge those who judge my new life. I try not to judge the people who don't feel the same about their situations and I can only hope they see that this new life I live brings me more joy than my old life ever could.
Just as the woman writing that parenting article said, I am sorry for judging those I have judged. I apologize to those who I, in spite of myself, sometimes continue to judge. I know better now, I am learning better now and my hope is that others take the steps necessary to do the same.
'Love is the absence of judgment- Dalai Lama XIV
Judge nothing, you will be happy. Forgive everything, you will be happier. Love everything, you will be happiest.
Sri Chinmoy
When you judge another, you do not define them, you define yourself.
Wayne Dyer
Let go of your attachment to being right, and suddenly your mind is more open. You’re able to benefit from the unique viewpoints of others, without being crippled by your own judgment.
Ralph Marston
As I was reading this article, I began to think of three things; my own pre-child judgments and ideas of how I would raise a child, those I have judged and the actions of my own that are judged by others. This topic has come up a great deal in the last few weeks, enough to inspire me out of my year-long writer's block and post something up here that I think might be valuable to you.
In general, those who know me know I’m not a big fan of judgment in general. I avoid situations that will create judgment to the point where I don’t invite people over because I don’t want them to see my messy house that looks like a preschool. I realized this past year, the first year after my first child was born, that I judge a lot more than I realized. I judge people’s character, their dress, their ways of presenting themselves to people they don’t know, their personal style and statements, their religious convictions, their judgment of others, their egotism, their audacity to think they have any right to counsel others without degrees and professional training, the list goes on and on.
I also realized I am surrounded by people who judge. I have friends who are pagan who judge the actions and beliefs of Christians. I have Christian friends who judge the actions and beliefs of pagans. I have Jewish and pseudo-Jewish friends who judge… well, everyone. I have gay friends who judge conservatives, I have conservative friends who judge gays and liberals and liberal friends who judge anyone who tells them they are wrong. I have friends who have kids who judge others who don’t have families at all and I have friends who don’t have kids, don’t want them and don’t particularly like them who judge anyone who has them. The more I realized this, the more repellant I became toward the behavior.
I began to see clearly when I was about four months pregnant and first started showing. Situations began to come up that would start as innocent enough questions, turning quickly into a “are you sure” conversation with the eyebrow and the uncomfortable throat-clearing. Questions about the baby; names, birthing process, location of the birth, will I vaccinate, will I make my own food, will I be using cloth diapers, am I still dying my hair, how will I decorate his room, will I return to work and was I really planning to go to a 5 day comic book convention in July while 5 ½ months pregnant. That wasn’t just it, though. Some of what I noticed had nothing at all to do with the baby.
I was about 5 months along and sitting at a family gathering, listening to every single member of my family from age 15 up through age 65 in a conversation about how stupid a certain group of people were and how ridiculous it was that they act/dress the way they do. I stood back horrified, frustrated and getting more anxious by the minute as I realized I had dear friends in this anonymous group they were bashing and no one noticed what was happening except for me. I was suddenly hit with this realization that even the people I love judge indiscriminately, blindly and they feel justified in doing so and it’s not just my family- it’s everyone.
They take a group of people or a subject and draw conclusions based on what they see in that moment, making assumptions about their character and who knows what else. Anyone with any logic knows this is not the best way to evaluate a situation, and yet… in a room full of educated people, judgment abounds. I’ve spent the last two years now evaluating this behavior in myself and those around me and doing my best to purge it from my universe. I realize I can’t change how others think, but I can absolutely change the way I think, who I spend time with and hope that my influence encourages others to be less judgmental.
I started by evaluating my situation; the groups I traveled in over the years and the people in my life. I decided I had better set some standards in this area before my babies are too big because with any luck, I can help them to never develop these tendencies at all. I began listening for choice phrases and comments, those like; “I love her, but...”, “she’s a nice person, but…” and other, similar statements. All of these phrases and many more are masked judgments, viewing another’s actions to be wrong somehow but in a polite, passive-aggressive way that makes the person feel like they’re not really being unloving or judgmental, they’re just observing or they care, so they are concerned that the person is wrong.
I am not a stranger to judgment; it’s been a part of my life, my entire life. They have judged me long before I was pregnant, they judged me twice as much once I was and they continue to do so now that I’m a mother. I’ve been judged because I was homeschooled, because I was a goth, because I went to RHPS, because I smoked clove cigarettes, because I wore Doc Martins with dresses, had blue and purple hair and I pierced my tongue. I’ve been judged because I am not and don’t believe I need to be baptized. I am judged because I have spiritual beliefs that many others can’t fathom and I believe it’s because they hold onto their belief that theirs is the only right way and judge everyone else as being wrong.
As a pregnant woman of 33 years, I was judged because I couldn’t take a birthing class because I worked 12 hours a day and went to school full time. I was judged because I was older. I was judged because we moved 65 miles away from my hospital and I refused to change doctors. I was judged because I chose to have my baby in a first class hospital that was over an hour away rather than a second rate hospital close to home. I was judged because I scheduled an inducement 1 week prior to my due date because I didn’t want to be stuck in labor, in traffic, on a random week day afternoon. (Turned out he was breech so a c-section was necessary anyway AND my water broke 3 weeks early so none of that mattered) I was judged because I chose a hospital instead of a home birth. I was judged because I chose a physician instead of a midwife or a doula.
Now that my child is born and is a young toddler, I know I am judged because I am an attachment parent. I know I am judged because my child has five names. I was judged because I exclusively breastfed and refused to let him eat solid food until he was 7 months old and when we began solids, it was only for fun, once a day or so at best until he was a year old and I only made it myself, spending the extra money on organic foods to puree in my Baby Bullet. I eventually got brave enough to try the organic pre-packaged products, but I still only use them sparingly. I have them on hand to use when I’m too tired or have a particularly fast morning that will require breakfast on the go, or I’m low on groceries that he can eat or he doesn’t want to eat anything I give him. I know I’m judged because I let him watch Yo Gaba Gaba, In the Night Garden and The WotWots and I usually leave Nick Jr on all day because it’s educational and I need the background noise and I figure that’s probably better than every other option out there. I’m judged because he takes his naps on the living room couch and not in a crib. I’m judged because I nurse in public and I STILL nurse my now, 16 month old baby even though I’m four months pregnant with our second. I am judged because I don’t go out much anymore. I’m judged because I have only been to 4 movies in the theater since I was 8 months pregnant with him and I’m judged because I use Huggies instead of cloth or more natural brand diapers. I’m judged because I stay home with him instead of working, even though we’re crazy poor. I’m judged because he’s only used his crib probably 12 times since he was born and the rest of the time, he sleeps with us. I’m judged because I chose to vaccinate him. I am judged because I chose not to vaccinate him with the flu shot. I’m judged because I don’t like to give him fast food, but sometimes I do anyway because he needs to eat and I can’t stop and feed him something better. I’m judged because I don’t like to stop him from making noise in public if he’s not being bratty because I believe he is exploring his voice and I encourage that rather than cover his mouth and tell him he’s being bad for happily wailing at a restaurant dinner table.
Whether it’s religious, political, parent-related or what color hair I have, the bottom line is people are always going to judge my actions and I will always fight that attitude within myself and try my best not to judge them in return.
So what’s my point with 2 pages of how I know people think I suck? Well, here’s the deal; all of this could make me really bitter, angry and defensive about my life. I could allow their judgments to hurt me emotionally until it began to damage my outlook on life and humanity in general. I could jump on a soap box and shake my finger at those who seek to prove how wrong I and others like me are and get violent, storm businesses, protest in front of government buildings or just bash people on my facebook page to make myself feel better as I hurt someone else. I see people doing it all the time and I wonder if they realize what they are doing. I see people who have been hurt lash out at those who hurt them and do exactly the same thing that was done to them, but because it happened to them first, it’s somehow okay, justified, righteous. The phrase, “these idiots make me feel like crap because I don’t believe what they do, those infantile morons don’t even read their own books” or, “hahaha, they’re so stupid for believing in this, I’d never be that much of a follower” are a few good examples of what I mean here. Justified judgment is still judgment and it still brings out negative energy that is absolutely unnecessary.
Simply put, I believe everyone has something to teach, something to learn and their lessons are designed for them and them alone. It is not my place to tell another person their path is wrong because it’s not my path. I may not wish it for myself or strive to emulate their behavior, but it’s their own life- as long as they’re not hurting anyone it’s really none of my business.
It’s hard not to judge the judgers. This I believe is the true lesson to be learned in all this. Recognize the judgments you cast upon others, even in passing from “that guy in the car ahead of me cut me off, the moron”, to, “all paganism is, are a bunch of irresponsible drunks who have no morals or sense of consequence” and everything in between. Maybe that guy was racing to the hospital to see their father one last time before they pulled the plug. Maybe not, but you don’t know either way. If you make a choice to assume the worst in people, choose to think the best instead.
Sit with yourself in truth and hear the elitist violence you speak toward others even in small ways, even in masked ways that feel like concern but laced with judgment and self-righteousness, or comedy. Many of us have grown comfortable with meanness masked as humor but it is no less violent to the spirit and damaging to the bright light in your soul. Elitism, even when presented as humor, is negative and unnecessary. It’s a nasty way we have been able to openly bash people in a socially acceptable way. To rid yourself of judgment, you must rid yourself of this hate masked as humor. Allow yourself to let go of these tendencies, these “do-gooder” attitudes or the flippant “I’m just kidding” excuses and realize that with every breath, you are your own mind and yours is the only life you can change. By choosing to change for the better in a loving and compassionate way, you will change those around you. Those who thrive on the negative behavior of judgment will eventually move away from you to find others that enjoy it and will feed on and perpetuate it.
It may be difficult at first and you’ll catch yourself often but take it as a lesson and move forward into a more loving being who can embrace the differences in others, pitying their limitations and loving them for the lessons they will be taught. Be ambassadors of love and compassion by disagreeing in a room full of people who are judging, take care to love those who judge and offer an alternate perspective and be brave enough to love them even if they continue to disagree.
It’s hard to let go of these behaviors because they are such ingrained aspects of our being but we learn time and again that all it causes is pain. No one comes to a faith because they were told they were wrong. They come to a faith or social group, a way of living or a lifestyle that embraces them in loving acceptance and helps to show them a path that brings them joy.
Being an attachment parent who likes educational tv is for me, what brings me joy. My child with his five names and a family legacy to take with him through his life brings me joy. My friends, diverse and on all sides of every type of coin bring me joy.
I realize this isn't what used to bring me joy and that may seem strange to some. I know I am judged because I don’t go out much anymore, I know people may think that I’ve lost my identity and that I am wrong for the way I’ve chosen to live. I know that my love of Jack and Coke and clove cigarettes with a mocha was life's best pleasure for me, but things change, friends. Life changes and moves forward and I moved with it. Staying home with my family watching a movie or taking a walk and watching my son discover dogs and grass and birds… I have no use for drugs of any kind with this simple pleasure of life at arm’s reach every day. This is where I want to be now, not dressing up and leaving him behind to go pretend I’m not who I am now in a club or a bar. I don’t have to cling to my “identity” by leaving my child at home to go to a party or a concert. If I really want to do those things, I will. I try not to judge those who judge my new life. I try not to judge the people who don't feel the same about their situations and I can only hope they see that this new life I live brings me more joy than my old life ever could.
Just as the woman writing that parenting article said, I am sorry for judging those I have judged. I apologize to those who I, in spite of myself, sometimes continue to judge. I know better now, I am learning better now and my hope is that others take the steps necessary to do the same.
'Love is the absence of judgment- Dalai Lama XIV
Judge nothing, you will be happy. Forgive everything, you will be happier. Love everything, you will be happiest.
Sri Chinmoy
When you judge another, you do not define them, you define yourself.
Wayne Dyer
Let go of your attachment to being right, and suddenly your mind is more open. You’re able to benefit from the unique viewpoints of others, without being crippled by your own judgment.
Ralph Marston
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