Epiphany

I have a difficult truth to admit.

It's been 17 years since I was 19 years old. (Yes, I am old... but that's not the truth I'm talking about) When I was 19, I was introduced to the world. Many get this introduction much earlier, but I lived somewhat of a sheltered life. It started when I was 17; I started to see parts of the world hidden underneath the one I knew and I wanted to peel back the plastic and see what was underneath. I met a new kind of person, the kind that lives in the fringe, outside the natural order of common society and I, puzzled, stared in awe as they paved roads I'd never seen before- full of wonder and magic. I often wonder what would have become of me had I never started doing the renaissance faire, if I'd never gone back to high school after having been in home school since the 6th grade, I wonder if I'd be singing more, if I'd have married or had babies... I wonder if they'd be the same babies I have now? Who knows?

Well, when I turned 19, I took a flying leap and dove into the world head first with my eyes closed. There, I found independence, the job world, the goth culture, alcohol, D&D, Dead Can Dance, Tori Amos, herbalism, the Occult, Hermetic Magick, heart-ache, my sexuality, Tarot, zombies, Batman, The Watchmen, the corporate world, morning commutes and deadlines and reports, I learned how to fire people, hire people, change lives and train people. I learned about depression and love and how to move forward even when it hurt to breathe.
 I learned to heal my friends, love unconditionally, I learned about addiction through my loved one's struggles, I learned about letting go and holding on, I learned about desperation and compassion and babies and birth and forgiveness and... it's been an amazing time. In those 17 years, I've learned a lot. I've done many things, lived many lives. I have pages and pages of books full of journal entries explaining how I hoped to learn to cope with each aspect of those many lives, but in none of them, can I find that I ever found the answer.

As I review these 17 years, I start to see how it's not really been about learning and growing, it's been about learning to cope, deal and move on. There's a pile of crap- oh well, here- put a table cloth over it, a few candles and a book or two... there, now it's a table. Good, right? ...Not so much when you realize you're living in the middle of chaos that you've learned to deal with because you spent the last 17 years coping instead of fixing.

As I sit here in my living room looking around at the playful mess my two year old created, the dishes I need to put away, the laundry I need to fold and the garden I need to tend to, I feel blessed to have the life I do now, but I see how much of what I have is covering up what I never fixed. I am so blessed to be home with my babies, to be able to be here to teach them and to love them. Unfortunately, this comes at a price- a giant financial one. When I think about the bills I need to pay, the people I need to contact to manage my student loans, the medical bills I have to pay, I look at the carpet that needs replaced and the holes in the wall, the birthday I am trying to plan for my baby turning one next month, the silence of no tv because we can't pay the bill, the piles and piles of baby and toddler clothes I'm swimming in and only kept so that I could try and re-sell to make some extra cash, the pain in my hands because I took off my acrylic nails to save $20 a month... I'm exhausted because every spare chance I have, I'm trying to come up with ways to make money so I can continue to stay home.

My house gets neglected because I'm cleaning someone else's house to make enough money to buy my organic produce from the Saturday market. I feel badly that my house is a mess, but I don't get paid to clean this one.
I'm a health coach for a company that sells diet food and changes lives in incredible ways. I can help people lose extra weight while learning how to eat healthfully, teach them to honor themselves and their families by being healthy and abandoning bad habits with food that can make them sick. I can offer this to people, but no one I know wants to take the leap, so I'm not making any money.
 I started a mom-blog and two facebook communities devoted to motherhood, alternative parenting and organic, healthy living in hopes that my experiences can help others as they pursue the compassionate way of living rather than the easy one... I hope one day to write a book based on these ideas to share the love and knowledge with people who might need it.
 I wrote two children's books, each with potential to be a series of educational stories focused on language learning basics with subculture references, but I have no artists to draw for me, so they sit here in my computer collecting dust and spiderwebs.
I'm the co-owner of a comic book publishing company and I do my best to help them achieve their goals. I've written 3 starter stories to build upon for the company, but haven't had time to finish any of them. On top of that, many of our events and activities are not child friendly, so I often don't get to participate.
I'm directing the music for a local community theatre show in hopes that some of the kids will want to take voice lessons from me once the show is over. The process takes me away from my babies too many nights in a row and as they scream and cry when I walk out the door, I just have to hope that it'll be worth it and someone will ask me to be their voice teacher. If that happens, it'll be worth it- if that happens, I can justify their tears for just a little while because I owe so many people money right now it's terrifying.
I see my dear babies, blissfully ignorant of the financial nightmare that is their parent's lives. I see them, the beauty of them... and I want to give them everything- especially an understanding of how to be responsible with money and how NOT to make the mistakes we've made. I realized a sad truth today- I can't hope to offer them anything until I fix the life I've broken.  Okay, well maybe "broken" is too strong a word, it's not really broken, it's just more difficult than it needs to be because of self-imposed challenges.

When I consider all the things I sometimes feel I'm failing at, I also consider all the things I could be good at.  I begin to think about the stories in my head that are burning to get out and be read by others. I feel the art in my fingertips, waiting to be released through a brush and some paint, the candles I want to make, the clothing I want to sew and the signs I want to build. I look inside and see the creative doors swing wide to reveal a mind full of ideas- good ideas- worthy of profit ideas. I have about a million ideas for phone/pad apps that I know could be successful... if only I knew someone who wrote those types of programs. I feel the rush of heat through me as I consider healing, myself and others through means of alternative medicine and herbalism and I KNOW I could do that- help others and bring peace to my family.

I close my eyes and I see the world where I am actively pursuing my creative ventures, successful and healthy and joyfully sharing my gifts, gaining karmic rewards in exchange for good works. It's easy to say everything wrong in my life is because of money, but the truth is- everything right in my life is because I've chosen to not pursue money. I feel like there's something profound in this revelation and I just can't quite grasp it yet. All I have at the moment is a question; Can the things that are right and good about my life now, create money so that the things that are wrong can be fixed without having to give up those good things? I am more creative, more empowered and more ambitious than I've ever been and I've been saying, "only a lack of starter cash prevents me from achieving what I want creatively" but I don't think that's really true. I think what is more true, is that I am too scattered and pulled in different directions to clearly focus on the goal and how to walk the path to get there.  I think a lot of people do this- they blame their lack of direction on some external force like money or location, or age or health... when really, there's not that much stopping you if you stop making excuses and just do it.  I mean, if I want to be truly honest with myself, there's no reason why I couldn't have been working on one of those many things I just listed above instead of writing this!

The tough part is and always has been... knowing which option to pick.  Maybe it's because I'm a Gemini, maybe it's because I married a Sag... maybe it's because I'm supposed to learn the lesson this way as opposed to the easier way. Because, let's face it... when do I ever do ANYthing the easy way??

All I know is that I want to continue doing what I love and I want to begin doing more things that I love and I need money to do that so I don't have to go get a job in a place I don't want to be. I feel my ambitions frantically spidering out in all directions reaching to unknown places in search of something tangible to hold onto, something to allow me to continue my life in the manner I wish.  My ambitions are good I think, there's just so many of them it's hard to filter, prioritize and choose one.
I want to be a stay at home, home-school mom. I want to write and inspire people with the worlds in my mind. I want to sing and teach others to let go- to find their voices and sing the songs of their souls. I want to heal, to learn and share that knowledge with others that we may heal this world through compassionate medicine that prevents, not just fixes. I want to help other mothers find peace with their bodies, help them embrace motherhood and do whatever it takes to nourish their babies in all ways possible so that we may normalize the experience of motherhood- cast away our prejudice against mothers and parenthood. I want to shut up and shut down the hurtful, hateful attitudes of those who have chosen not to have children and show them that we are all mothers and fathers in this world- we are, each of us parents and children of this universe and only through loving, compassionate, patient stewardship in our global community (especially the very smallish ones who cannot speak for themselves) will we achieve the greatness we have within us as a species. I want to share a healthier way of living, eating, being with those around me- I want to make them aware of the damage the foods we have trusted are actually causing and teach them what to avoid to live a new way, a healthier way. I want to help them leave behind the chemicals we have become dependent upon, the bad food we take in as "treats" and replace it with goodness from a poison-free garden, free of synthetic additives.

Can I really be all these things, or am I just spread too thin? Is there a such thing as being too diversified in my ambition?

 As I reflect the last 17 years, I can't help but feel that I have failed in some way for in my pursuit of all, I have mastered nothing. I know a little about a lot of things but I am the master of none. It's a difficult thing to admit, but I do it now because I feel I have to embrace who I am in this minute in order to truly move ahead. I have never truly owned a single ambition for very long because I want all of it! I study a little then move on... study a little more, then move on... and I am forever moving, grasping hold of nothing, taking bits of thread and swatches of different lives and I've weaved together a massive tapestry of a thousand colors, shapes and textures... but it's full of holes and unstable fabrics with no substance and that can't keep me warm, it can't feed my family and it can't sustain me. I cannot continue to live in the world I have created, in this person I have built. I need to find a way to focus. I need to find a way to pull the different parts of my Self into the same body and find a way to make the different parts work together for once, to create something beautiful and magical in my life for myself, my family and the world around me.

I feel like the world is waiting for me to offer my gifts. It's been waiting for 17 years... since the first moment I told someone I wanted to be a witch, not really understanding what that meant yet, but knowing in my heart that I was being led down that path for a reason, a path that was going to change my life forever.

So here I am, world... offering. I am owning who I am, the life I have created and the challenges I know I need to overcome. I offer these past decisions, not as mistakes and not in shame, but as lessons I learned that I am proud of. I open myself up to the power of the universe and the Self who already knows what to do.  I am open, willing and for the first time, I think finally... truly ready. So bring it, world... I've got my stomping boots on and fire in my hands, my family at my side and seeds in my pocket. Let's rock this and do it right this time.

"Sad Day"

Today is a sad day. Someone on my friend's list posted that today is “a sad day” because we learned that a dear friend has passed away. Those left behind when death moves to take a soul are moved to tears. Grief and sadness over a loss is always equal to the greatness of the individual who has passed. The more tremendous, bright, happy and wonderful the individual was- the greater the feeling of pain in those left behind. I’ve been thinking about it all afternoon, this teeter-totter- the brighter the light, the darker the world feels without them. It reminded me of Maat. Her throne and scales are, in some cultures and beliefs, one of the first stops you make in the afterlife. Your soul is taken and your heart is placed upon her scales to be weighed against the weight of a feather. If your soul is heavy with dishonesty and evil, Anubis takes the heart and tosses it like a doggie treat to a monster, which then devours it. If the heart is light with love and truth, you may move forward into the afterlife. Maat teaches us mercy, as she has the final say- Anubis may wish to discard of the soul, but she will sometimes “weigh twice” the soul in peril. Her compassion and mercy may save a burdened heart from the mighty teeth of Am-mit, should she see some lightness; some savable spark within its core and because she is the essence of purity herself, her word is always trusted and her request, granted. She then rejoices in the release of the soul into the afterlife and the soul may further transcend. Our world needs more of her. Her compassion, her wisdom, her purity. We need to expect more of ourselves- more purity in thought and deed. More honesty and righteousness. There are few glimmering lights of joy in this world, those who allow the light to burn within them are furiously brilliant and their light shines deeply within those who know them. When their lights are removed from this world, those left behind mourn the loss- not only of the dearly departed, but the very lightness of their heart and soul. We crave that purity, that joy and that essence of lightness in those who live with honesty. Our grief is in direct response to the power of that light. Our sadness, anger and confusion stems from our sudden plunge into a darker world, one where our own lights seem dim by comparison to the one now gone from our sight. His light has been taken from this world, so he may move forward as a spiritual being. In truth, this is a joyous time! He has passed through that unknowable door into the next place… to see whatever there is to see on the other side. He now exists within that mysterious place that we can only guess to understand. Those left behind; we all must learn to burn as brightly as he did. We must not mourn the loss of his shining star- but use it as a sentinel to guide our own ships. His joy, passion and the many gifts he left us are all lessons we can learn and live by: Love unashamed, laugh with unleashed joy and sing. Above all, always sing. Blessed Be, Fred. Thank you for the lessons you have taught us and the love you so openly gave. You will be missed.