An entry from the vaults

I wrote this after a particularly dark period in my life, when I contemplated my purpose and considered the worst of myself. I thought it important to post it here, so it could be seen clearly that although I might know what to do, I struggle with the decision every day and sometimes the rage in the world takes over, even the most diligent of students seeking peace. So here it is;
**
Have to renew my faith in humanity again.
How do you do that when everything you see, when 90% of everything you come in contact with is weakness, stupidity, blind faith, nothing but ego, obsession with the dollar and greed?
How do you fight for good when it seems like the only good that you can create will come out of the destruction of nearly everything?
Somehow I have to find a way to remember that human kind is worth saving, worth wanting to be a part of it.
I'm not saying it's impossible. I'm saying.. I can't see it. I'm saying, it doesn't seem worth the fight anymore.
And I'm just so tired of pretending to care. I'm tired of catering to stupidity and selfishness.
I'm tired of the safe, comfortable approach. I'm sick to death with politically correct and new math and don't ask don't tell and banning dodge ball. I'm disgusted with this incessant need of people to have to cater to the lowest common denominator in humanity.
I saw a lady walking down the street the other day. She had a jacked up, broken umbrella. I drove around the block and back up to where she was to give her a new one, cuz I had two in my trunk. I just handed it to her and walked away, hoping it made her smile. Even if I don't have faith, I hope others still do. Even if I don't, if I can give someone else a little something to help them through the day, then rock on. All I can do is what I do.
The world, the people, all of us... is it all really worth saving the infection?
**
What I learned took all this time to see; destruction is life. Darkness creates dawn and balance is the key to all things. Patience proves all mysteries and in the dirty, dark terrible storms of rage, comes the fruitful, clear skies of peace. War, death, love and pleasure all circle around the same bright star of truth;
Ishtar's brilliant morning star of guidance.
Everything came full circle as I reread this and I came to understand my place in this vast web of insanity. I always said I served the purpose of creating necessary destruction. I always felt that I was a catalyst of chaos and change, and yet... I sat for years in my cave, fearing the outside, the sun on my face was terrifying and I couldn't begin to take those steps.
Funny thing happened, though... I realized I'd been taking them all along and I wasn't even seeing it.
The world is full of pain, greed and anger. These are not things to be disgusted by, simply to be seen as part of the process. Although we may not enjoy them, just as we didn't enjoy the ache in our bodies as we grew as children. We may not enjoy the mire of disease and the filth of evil deeds any more than we did the acne on our faces and the awkward confusion of our youth, but it was all necessary.
We are all agents of chaos, we are all the enforcers of peace. It is our nature to be both parents and death dealers and our human condition ensures we are both Batman and Joker in every moment.
A very wise person once said, pain is weakness leaving the body. Pain, as it is experienced on earth, is a new lesson for all of us, building greater strength as we grow.