Judgment

I just got finished reading a popular article floating around the internet written by a woman who is apologizing to the world, to parents she knew and those she didn’t for the judgment she passed on them prior to having children. She remarks how pre-children, she had all these ideas and opinions, she knew exactly how she was going to parent and what was the right and wrong thing to do. She continues to apologize openly for her smugness, her lack of understanding and her naive belief that it was easy to do the job she had yet to do.
As I was reading this article, I began to think of three things; my own pre-child judgments and ideas of how I would raise a child, those I have judged and the actions of my own that are judged by others. This topic has come up a great deal in the last few weeks, enough to inspire me out of my year-long writer's block and post something up here that I think might be valuable to you.
In general, those who know me know I’m not a big fan of judgment in general. I avoid situations that will create judgment to the point where I don’t invite people over because I don’t want them to see my messy house that looks like a preschool. I realized this past year, the first year after my first child was born, that I judge a lot more than I realized. I judge people’s character, their dress, their ways of presenting themselves to people they don’t know, their personal style and statements, their religious convictions, their judgment of others, their egotism, their audacity to think they have any right to counsel others without degrees and professional training, the list goes on and on.
I also realized I am surrounded by people who judge. I have friends who are pagan who judge the actions and beliefs of Christians. I have Christian friends who judge the actions and beliefs of pagans. I have Jewish and pseudo-Jewish friends who judge… well, everyone. I have gay friends who judge conservatives, I have conservative friends who judge gays and liberals and liberal friends who judge anyone who tells them they are wrong. I have friends who have kids who judge others who don’t have families at all and I have friends who don’t have kids, don’t want them and don’t particularly like them who judge anyone who has them. The more I realized this, the more repellant I became toward the behavior.
I began to see clearly when I was about four months pregnant and first started showing. Situations began to come up that would start as innocent enough questions, turning quickly into a “are you sure” conversation with the eyebrow and the uncomfortable throat-clearing. Questions about the baby; names, birthing process, location of the birth, will I vaccinate, will I make my own food, will I be using cloth diapers, am I still dying my hair, how will I decorate his room, will I return to work and was I really planning to go to a 5 day comic book convention in July while 5 ½ months pregnant. That wasn’t just it, though. Some of what I noticed had nothing at all to do with the baby.
I was about 5 months along and sitting at a family gathering, listening to every single member of my family from age 15 up through age 65 in a conversation about how stupid a certain group of people were and how ridiculous it was that they act/dress the way they do. I stood back horrified, frustrated and getting more anxious by the minute as I realized I had dear friends in this anonymous group they were bashing and no one noticed what was happening except for me. I was suddenly hit with this realization that even the people I love judge indiscriminately, blindly and they feel justified in doing so and it’s not just my family- it’s everyone.
They take a group of people or a subject and draw conclusions based on what they see in that moment, making assumptions about their character and who knows what else. Anyone with any logic knows this is not the best way to evaluate a situation, and yet… in a room full of educated people, judgment abounds. I’ve spent the last two years now evaluating this behavior in myself and those around me and doing my best to purge it from my universe. I realize I can’t change how others think, but I can absolutely change the way I think, who I spend time with and hope that my influence encourages others to be less judgmental.
I started by evaluating my situation; the groups I traveled in over the years and the people in my life. I decided I had better set some standards in this area before my babies are too big because with any luck, I can help them to never develop these tendencies at all. I began listening for choice phrases and comments, those like; “I love her, but...”, “she’s a nice person, but…” and other, similar statements. All of these phrases and many more are masked judgments, viewing another’s actions to be wrong somehow but in a polite, passive-aggressive way that makes the person feel like they’re not really being unloving or judgmental, they’re just observing or they care, so they are concerned that the person is wrong.
I am not a stranger to judgment; it’s been a part of my life, my entire life. They have judged me long before I was pregnant, they judged me twice as much once I was and they continue to do so now that I’m a mother. I’ve been judged because I was homeschooled, because I was a goth, because I went to RHPS, because I smoked clove cigarettes, because I wore Doc Martins with dresses, had blue and purple hair and I pierced my tongue. I’ve been judged because I am not and don’t believe I need to be baptized. I am judged because I have spiritual beliefs that many others can’t fathom and I believe it’s because they hold onto their belief that theirs is the only right way and judge everyone else as being wrong.
As a pregnant woman of 33 years, I was judged because I couldn’t take a birthing class because I worked 12 hours a day and went to school full time. I was judged because I was older. I was judged because we moved 65 miles away from my hospital and I refused to change doctors. I was judged because I chose to have my baby in a first class hospital that was over an hour away rather than a second rate hospital close to home. I was judged because I scheduled an inducement 1 week prior to my due date because I didn’t want to be stuck in labor, in traffic, on a random week day afternoon. (Turned out he was breech so a c-section was necessary anyway AND my water broke 3 weeks early so none of that mattered) I was judged because I chose a hospital instead of a home birth. I was judged because I chose a physician instead of a midwife or a doula.
Now that my child is born and is a young toddler, I know I am judged because I am an attachment parent. I know I am judged because my child has five names. I was judged because I exclusively breastfed and refused to let him eat solid food until he was 7 months old and when we began solids, it was only for fun, once a day or so at best until he was a year old and I only made it myself, spending the extra money on organic foods to puree in my Baby Bullet. I eventually got brave enough to try the organic pre-packaged products, but I still only use them sparingly. I have them on hand to use when I’m too tired or have a particularly fast morning that will require breakfast on the go, or I’m low on groceries that he can eat or he doesn’t want to eat anything I give him. I know I’m judged because I let him watch Yo Gaba Gaba, In the Night Garden and The WotWots and I usually leave Nick Jr on all day because it’s educational and I need the background noise and I figure that’s probably better than every other option out there. I’m judged because he takes his naps on the living room couch and not in a crib. I’m judged because I nurse in public and I STILL nurse my now, 16 month old baby even though I’m four months pregnant with our second. I am judged because I don’t go out much anymore. I’m judged because I have only been to 4 movies in the theater since I was 8 months pregnant with him and I’m judged because I use Huggies instead of cloth or more natural brand diapers. I’m judged because I stay home with him instead of working, even though we’re crazy poor. I’m judged because he’s only used his crib probably 12 times since he was born and the rest of the time, he sleeps with us. I’m judged because I chose to vaccinate him. I am judged because I chose not to vaccinate him with the flu shot. I’m judged because I don’t like to give him fast food, but sometimes I do anyway because he needs to eat and I can’t stop and feed him something better. I’m judged because I don’t like to stop him from making noise in public if he’s not being bratty because I believe he is exploring his voice and I encourage that rather than cover his mouth and tell him he’s being bad for happily wailing at a restaurant dinner table.
Whether it’s religious, political, parent-related or what color hair I have, the bottom line is people are always going to judge my actions and I will always fight that attitude within myself and try my best not to judge them in return.
So what’s my point with 2 pages of how I know people think I suck? Well, here’s the deal; all of this could make me really bitter, angry and defensive about my life. I could allow their judgments to hurt me emotionally until it began to damage my outlook on life and humanity in general. I could jump on a soap box and shake my finger at those who seek to prove how wrong I and others like me are and get violent, storm businesses, protest in front of government buildings or just bash people on my facebook page to make myself feel better as I hurt someone else. I see people doing it all the time and I wonder if they realize what they are doing. I see people who have been hurt lash out at those who hurt them and do exactly the same thing that was done to them, but because it happened to them first, it’s somehow okay, justified, righteous. The phrase, “these idiots make me feel like crap because I don’t believe what they do, those infantile morons don’t even read their own books” or, “hahaha, they’re so stupid for believing in this, I’d never be that much of a follower” are a few good examples of what I mean here. Justified judgment is still judgment and it still brings out negative energy that is absolutely unnecessary.
Simply put, I believe everyone has something to teach, something to learn and their lessons are designed for them and them alone. It is not my place to tell another person their path is wrong because it’s not my path. I may not wish it for myself or strive to emulate their behavior, but it’s their own life- as long as they’re not hurting anyone it’s really none of my business.
It’s hard not to judge the judgers. This I believe is the true lesson to be learned in all this. Recognize the judgments you cast upon others, even in passing from “that guy in the car ahead of me cut me off, the moron”, to, “all paganism is, are a bunch of irresponsible drunks who have no morals or sense of consequence” and everything in between. Maybe that guy was racing to the hospital to see their father one last time before they pulled the plug. Maybe not, but you don’t know either way. If you make a choice to assume the worst in people, choose to think the best instead.
Sit with yourself in truth and hear the elitist violence you speak toward others even in small ways, even in masked ways that feel like concern but laced with judgment and self-righteousness, or comedy. Many of us have grown comfortable with meanness masked as humor but it is no less violent to the spirit and damaging to the bright light in your soul. Elitism, even when presented as humor, is negative and unnecessary. It’s a nasty way we have been able to openly bash people in a socially acceptable way. To rid yourself of judgment, you must rid yourself of this hate masked as humor. Allow yourself to let go of these tendencies, these “do-gooder” attitudes or the flippant “I’m just kidding” excuses and realize that with every breath, you are your own mind and yours is the only life you can change. By choosing to change for the better in a loving and compassionate way, you will change those around you. Those who thrive on the negative behavior of judgment will eventually move away from you to find others that enjoy it and will feed on and perpetuate it.
It may be difficult at first and you’ll catch yourself often but take it as a lesson and move forward into a more loving being who can embrace the differences in others, pitying their limitations and loving them for the lessons they will be taught. Be ambassadors of love and compassion by disagreeing in a room full of people who are judging, take care to love those who judge and offer an alternate perspective and be brave enough to love them even if they continue to disagree.
It’s hard to let go of these behaviors because they are such ingrained aspects of our being but we learn time and again that all it causes is pain. No one comes to a faith because they were told they were wrong. They come to a faith or social group, a way of living or a lifestyle that embraces them in loving acceptance and helps to show them a path that brings them joy.
Being an attachment parent who likes educational tv is for me, what brings me joy. My child with his five names and a family legacy to take with him through his life brings me joy. My friends, diverse and on all sides of every type of coin bring me joy.
I realize this isn't what used to bring me joy and that may seem strange to some. I know I am judged because I don’t go out much anymore, I know people may think that I’ve lost my identity and that I am wrong for the way I’ve chosen to live. I know that my love of Jack and Coke and clove cigarettes with a mocha was life's best pleasure for me, but things change, friends. Life changes and moves forward and I moved with it. Staying home with my family watching a movie or taking a walk and watching my son discover dogs and grass and birds… I have no use for drugs of any kind with this simple pleasure of life at arm’s reach every day. This is where I want to be now, not dressing up and leaving him behind to go pretend I’m not who I am now in a club or a bar. I don’t have to cling to my “identity” by leaving my child at home to go to a party or a concert. If I really want to do those things, I will. I try not to judge those who judge my new life. I try not to judge the people who don't feel the same about their situations and I can only hope they see that this new life I live brings me more joy than my old life ever could.
Just as the woman writing that parenting article said, I am sorry for judging those I have judged. I apologize to those who I, in spite of myself, sometimes continue to judge. I know better now, I am learning better now and my hope is that others take the steps necessary to do the same.
'Love is the absence of judgment- Dalai Lama XIV
Judge nothing, you will be happy. Forgive everything, you will be happier. Love everything, you will be happiest.
Sri Chinmoy
When you judge another, you do not define them, you define yourself.
Wayne Dyer
Let go of your attachment to being right, and suddenly your mind is more open. You’re able to benefit from the unique viewpoints of others, without being crippled by your own judgment.
Ralph Marston