The darkness of the Nothing

Last time I posted here, I had not yet become a mother. I cannot express in a blog the experience and emotional insanity I have been through since this last post below, but I can sum up; parenthood is absolutely amazing. It’s horrifying and beautiful. It made me aware of my own mortality in a way I never understood before. It made me more aware of the gravity of my choices in a way I had never experienced. It has opened my eyes to my inner spirit and my divine purpose and has shown me who I really am in ways I never knew were possible. I have been broken, terrified, full of fear. I have been ecstatic and joyful, thankful and grateful for my mere ability to breathe and to feel my heart beat in my chest. I have been both fulfilled and empty. I am simultaneously cautious and careless. I take risks and in the same moment, plan for everything. My life has become the biggest walking contradiction I, personally have ever seen. One moment I’m crying out of fear of the unknown and in the very next breath I laugh because I acknowledge it’s no different than before- I just notice it more now.
I admit I have been suffering from postpartum anxiety since the birth of my dear child. I am coming to terms with it now, realizing how far down the rabbit hole I actually slipped before I was ready to admit it. I wish I could say it’s over now that I’ve realized it- but this is anything but true. I recognize that how I feel is beyond me at this point and I need further guidance and help to move out of this place. My depression began about this time last year, long before he was even born. I thought it was stress. I thought it was nothing to worry about, that when I quit my job and was able to have the time I needed to do what I really wanted to do, I would be fine. I had been dealing with changes in my body, new pain, lack of mobility as my belly grew, my ability to do things became harder and harder. I was still working 9 hour days in an office 2 hours in traffic away from home, a home I had just moved into. I had no time for me, as I was finishing my degree and was either sleeping, driving, working or studying and I was overwhelmed to the point of exhaustion, anger, anxiety and depression. I held out hope this would all just float away after the baby was born. Sadly I was mistaken.
I've been secretly suffering panic attacks, constant feelings of dread, afraid to leave the house because of what might happen and at the same time, afraid to stay home because I didn't trust how I was feeling to be alone. I finally started admitting it to myself after I got to the point where I was having a panic attack every morning when Craig would leave for work and I would be afraid that I was dying of some heart condition or some other unknown thing that would render me helpless to care for him. I would be afraid that I'd pass out or fall, or that something would happen that would cause me to be unconscious and then I'd fixate on what would happen to him all day with no one here... but when I tried putting him down somewhere safe, he just cried and cried so I felt totally trapped. I was afraid to hold him because if I passed out, he'd get hurt but he'd cry if I put him down and I didn't know what to do.
So, when I am filled with anxiety and my dear child won't let me do anything but sit on the couch holding him I start to go a little crazy again. LOL... I think the average person would be okay with it but because I've got this mental issue on top of his attachment it makes it harder.
Then, compound that with the mundain issues such as finances, bills, daily responsibilities and what not and I found myself worried all the time with way too much time by myself to think about all of it with nothing to distract me but the television.
I'm amazed at how many women go through this and don't say anything. I waited literally 9 months before I started talking about it, secretly feeling horrible all the time. Everyone talks about postpartum depression but no one really talks about anxiety. Some women don't get sad, they grow afraid of everything. They fear for their health, the health of their baby, financial issues, irrational fears of horrible accidents and scenarios that play out in the mind that can't be stopped, like a bad dream you can't shake out of. All of this I have and continue to experience. I admit here now that I’ve been buried in the swamps of sadness, fearing everything including myself in hopes that others who may experience it become brave enough to voice their fears and find the love and support they need to move forward and climb out of it.
I have gone in these past 10 months from happier than I ever have been to more afraid than I ever thought possible. What I have learned so far along this journey, is to try to be rational as I can be, do all I can to prevent the outcomes I fear and recognize the irrational fears for what they are and do my best to move through them.
Fear is a terrible emotion, full of physical and chemical reactions that can terrify the spirit and make you feel like you’re dying.
Again, I have not yet overcome this… but I am willing to voice it. I feel there is power in standing up to the jabberwocky and I intend to fight it with all I have.
I usually reserve this space for enlightened words of wisdom to gift as pearls to those I love, but I’m learning now the gift of sharing may be the most profound of all. If my experience helps even one other person from waiting as long as I did to recognize that these emotions are not normal, they don’t make you a bad person or a bad mother and there’s no shame in asking for help- then I have passed along the best gift I can offer.
That’s all for now.
Love and light…

J