On the issue of control

2/24/10
To control, To enjoy good health, to bring true happiness to one's family, to bring peace to all, one must first discipline and control one's own mind. If a man can control his mind he can find the way to Enlightenment, and all wisdom and virtue will naturally come to him. –Buddha
That being said, if the Buddha says one should control himself, then so be it!
Ah, don't you wish it were that easy?
We have two different and contradictory camps in modern society; Those who wish to control only themselves, and those who believe a lack of control brings them closer to the divine.
Many cultures consider the body, mind, soul and everything therein something which can be controlled by the conscious Will.
Many other cultures believe the exact opposite. They believe you must release that control, understanding you never had it to begin with and one must have faith that whomever or whatever is at the helm, will guide you appropriately; but only if you believe.
So with these contradictions, how does one decide the issue of control in daily life? How does one shift from someone who knows they have complete control over themselves in every action/thought/deed to someone who can release these feelings to allow for things that are outside our control?

You see, I could go in circles with this for days, and I’m guessing anyone reading this could do the same.
Here’s the important factor, in my opinion;
Does it make you happy to know you control everything? Does it make you happy to give your faith to a higher place, be it fate, God, Goddess, etc?
Do you enjoy the idea that every moment is random chance, chaos in motion? Or, do you simply not care either way?
The true question is what makes you joyful. What makes you want to continue moving forward; Faith or personal power? The answer to this question can be put another way;
Do you choose the path of Severity or the path of Mercy?
Well, no one wants to be known as that “left hand path” person… It’s much safer to travel the light path, the right hand path, the path of light and joy and wisdom and beauty… right?

Well, I go back to an old cliché to address this:
“…there can be no good without evil, no love without hate, no heaven without hell, no light without darkness. The harmony of the universe depends upon an eternal balance. Out of the struggle to maintain this balance comes the birth of legends.” –Legend, 1985

That being the case, light and dark must balance and thus, we can maintain that we do in fact control our own minds and thoughts and actions however, thoughts and actions of others cannot be controlled by anyone else but them. We each can walk the path of the flaming sword, touching light and dark, mercy and severity, splendor and victory. Logical, right? So then, why do we constantly seek to control one another??? I suppose the bottom line that everyone says they know but rarely live by is the simply fact that we can only control others when they allow us to. If they give us that power, we can use it, however remember that they may do the same with you. That's where it becomes confusing; we want to control but we don't want to allow control in others. We tend to wish we could have the universe bend to our Will, but are frustrated when others think the same way! We are, in a sense... saying "all the ways are MY way"! How very Queen of Hearts we all are. ;-)

Every time we say, “you made me feel…” you are providing others that opportunity to control you. It’s funny how humans are vastly hypocritical. I can say, “I am woman, I am power, I am strength…” and in the same conversation, I can say, “he hurt me, he lied, he caused me pain, his actions have made me untrusting.”
So in this statement, I’ve said “I have the power.. but only when I don’t give it away. I control my actions, but only when things go well. If things don’t go well, it’s someone else’s fault. I’m in pain… and someone else did this TO me, I was just sitting here minding my own business, perfectly in control of my surroundings until HE came.”

I wonder how many people in this vast web are able to connect with their true motivations and recognize that in every moment, we are always in control.
But wait… you say, what about abuse? Rape? Attack and assault? How am I in control in these moments when someone else’s will overcomes my own, however in control I tried to be, how could I have been to blame in these moments?

To this, I ask you… why blame anyone? Does it serve your heart justice to point your rage at someone? Rape and assault changes the soul, wakes it up, breaks it just a little and in those breaks, grow new life and new understanding of self. New beginnings are allowed through the cracks of shattered lives. Unless you chose to be a victim, you can choose to accept the experience and learn from it. Either you allow the pain to consume you, rape you continually throughout your life until every moment is covered by a sense of brutal entitlement or… you choose to use it as fuel and power, building something new in the absence of innocence.

Every single thing you lose is replaced with something new. Basic physics teaches us this golden rule and in moments of grief, pain, loss and anger we can look to it as a guide; everything transforms and nothing really disappears, it simply changes.

So. Before you go blaming others for your emotional downfalls and tragedies, remember that you are the one in control of your own mind and thoughts. You decide who gets to manipulate you. If you allow yourself to be controlled, don’t get upset when you feel used and manipulated! Remember you chose to give it, so if you don’t like it, simply change your actions. Change your behavior, change your ability to give away that control and take it back. There is no point in pushing anger toward someone for what you freely gave to them; they’re simply reacting to their environment just as anyone would. If you choose to become angry or hurt by the actions of others, remember you are doing this, they cannot hurt you.

Only you can hurt you.

The Dalai Lama once said; “One can overcome the forces of negative emotions, like anger and hatred, by cultivating their counterforces, like love and compassion.”

By controlling our reactions to pain, by providing compassion instead of rage in situations where rage may feel called for, we foster the development of love in moments where no love could be seen. By counteracting our need to blame by allowing ourselves to love, we may find joy in any situation.