Further discussion on control and identity

I believe that each of us is 100% in control of our environment, our bodies, our minds and our actions. I believe even our spirits are within our grasp, our fates, our futures and our pasts. I believe our spirits decide before we reach this earth what life will provide us the best karma for our progression throughout our existence and teach us the lessons we must learn this time around. I believe our birth, place, family, everything… is something we have chosen.

With this in mind, I continue.

Topics consistently arise that fall under the heading of control and I think it warrants another look into the topic.
People bring this up to me all the time with questions about how they can be in complete control when it certainly doesn’t feel like it.
Here are a few of the choice phrases I hear;
It’s not my fault, I wasn’t given an opportunity…
I didn’t cause this, I just have to live with it
Why should things be so hard for me?
Why am I the only one that has it so hard?

Each of these questions has an answer, albeit one that most don’t like to hear. Here are my responses to these questions, every time:

It’s not my fault, I wasn’t given an opportunity…
- So make your own opportunity. Why rely upon others or plain circumstance to create your future for you? Do you really wish to give up so much of yourself to everything around you?

I didn’t cause this, I just have to live with it
Perhaps you didn’t create it, perhaps you did… the choice is yours how you proceed after “it” has become a reality. You can be a victim or the warrior, your choice.

Why should things be so hard for me?
- If you are judging your life against others around you, you will forever be wanting and likely never happy with your own life. If you must look at your peers, see their strengths as lessons. Not as jabs at your life or proof that you had it harder than them. You can choose to rise above it, or wallow in it.

Why am I the only one that has it so hard?
- This is almost the same question, but the answer is a bit different. Never judge another’s hell, or another’s heaven. Each person is here to learn and grow. Your lessons are for you, not them. Their lessons are for them and not you. Just because you feel your hell is well, hellish… doesn’t devalue the lessons they learn within their own purgatory. Each of us has nightmares and closets with monsters and secrets; it’s best not to judge who’s is the deepest or yours truly will become the deepest of all.
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This leads me to another piece of the same question- most people don’t consider it a part of the “control” discussion, but I feel it’s very connected. The trouble with identity is often where we are in life and who we are as individuals. Identity and control go hand in hand, as the ability to control your own destiny creates who you are as an individual.

People often come to me with their struggles saying things like;
I feel like I've done nothing I'm supposed to do in my life.
I feel like I abandoned who I was supposed to be years ago.
I have no idea who I am and I'm almost 35...
Now, I think it's perfectly normal to have these feelings. I sometimes fall into the trap of feeling angry, upset, anxious, frustrated… that others seem farther along in their paths than I am. I feel sometimes that I let myself break away from things I knew were true many years ago, and fought against it like a child fights against the bath. I fought and fought and now I feel I have wasted all those years fighting while everyone else was moving forward.
I question my identity, my purpose, my past, the validity of what I’ve learned and I question my value. To myself, my friends, society… and I worry that I am not worthy of the path I am seeking.
I think everyone does this at some point, probably not as publicly as I do, but I still think they do.
I realize of course, this couldn’t be farther from the truth- I have become the person I am now because of the lessons I learned through my experiences. I didn’t waste any time at all, I continued to grow and learn and as I did, more and more of my life became clear.
The simple truth is that I cannot be anyone else but me and no amount of wishing or feeling down on myself or wanting things that others have that will make it so. This life is no mistake and there are no other people I could be. I cannot look at others and be wanting, for their lives are not mine to want.

Now, I write all this because it has become acutely apparent to me that people all around me are struggling with this concept on a profound level.
So many people become trapped in the idea that they should become something, they should be a “man” they should be a “woman” and these labels drive nails into our psyche as we struggle to understand what they really mean and how these words relate to us as individuals.
For example; according to most people, a woman should be married or want to be married, have children or want to have children, be loving, kind and accommodating, sexy and good at entertaining, she should clean, cook and look beautiful while doing it and if you cannot multitask yourself to death in 86 different ways you are just not a woman.

When I was a child, I KNEW I would be a singer. I was a singer, an actress, a performer… for years that was my only ambition. That is still a huge piece of who I am, but I became more than just this one dimension as I got older, gained other interests and explored new paths.

At this point in my life today, all I can say is that I am a seeker. Seeking life, truth, knowledge, mystery and I am perfectly okay with the fact that you cannot classify this in a title under my signature or a business card. I have no need for a conventional identifier and I’m perfectly comfortable without one.

I recently demoted myself and took a job that was less responsibility and less pay than the one I’d had for almost three years. For a while, I struggled with my sense of identity, was embarrassed by calling myself a Lead instead of a Supervisor. I felt the title gave me credibility, gave my life meaning somehow, made me feel like I’d actually done something important with my life and the title was proof of my hard work and my intelligence. Ha! How wrong could one person be!

I am a teacher, a singer, a wife, a healer, a witch, a daughter, a sister, a friend, a writer, a painter and a million things in between those. I am who I am. Even though moments of feeling like I’m not in control, moments when I feel others’ will is a stronger force in my life than my own, I am reminded that through it all, I am always going to be me. That fact is power, as it reminds me that I am the one in control.

I choose to live an active, life full of learning and healing or a life of stagnation and want. I understand that this is my choice and my Will that makes it so, and no one else bullies me into it. No one holds a gun to my head and screams at me to come to work every day, I choose to do this because the preset need requires it, nothing more. I choose to take on so many tasks that I don’t have time for little else and I choose to become stressed when I overwhelm myself with all my tasks. I know this is my own choice and one day I will learn to pace myself a little more appropriately.

It makes me sad when people get so hung up on the titles, like the title is their personal flag of truth. I know that when I get hung up on it, it’s a temporary thing but I also know that for most people it isn’t. It’s something that keeps them up at night, makes them feel worthless and makes them feel powerless and empty.
It’s like they believe that without their flag, they have no identity.
People, I cannot stress this enough hope someday you see and understand; your title is not a coat of arms on a shield above your door for all to see.
Your flag is within you, the spark of life that gives it meaning and depth. It cannot be learned in a school, or given to you in a promotion, or handed to you as an ID badge at your job. You are still you, without the access card, the title under your signature, the nice car or the degree in whatever you went to school to learn.
And no, you are not your khaki’s.
You take these things with you but underneath them, you are still you. You are the you who learned the lessons, found sacred truths for yourself and build yourself an identity. Your title and what you do, what you look like, what you call yourself means little to your spirit.
You can call yourself a priestess, but any idiot off the street who has read Cunningham’s book on solitary Wicca can claim this right, but if they go back to a life of stagnation, polluting their bodies and hurting others, being spiteful and resentful with little care of anyone but themselves... Those people can claim the title, but they cannot claim the truth.
You can call yourself a man but does that mean you really are? Sure you have the look; you have all the parts and biology to claim the title, but just because you are male does not mean you are a man. And for the record, a title does not make you a man, either. You are or are not one to start with and only you can know the truth of this. You can lie to yourself and everyone else but your spirit knows where you stand.

Your spirit doesn’t care if you have money, if you have a nice car, your spirit doesn’t care if you are loved by others or are successful in your career. Your spirit only cares about your karma and the lessons you are here to learn. You can choose to live and learn them, live and ignore them… either way you have to live so why not make the most of it, right?
It's important to remember;
The titles are there to support the work you have done, not to be who you are. Live for the life, not the title. Live for the existence that each breath brings you, not for the notoriety that title affords.

On the issue of control

2/24/10
To control, To enjoy good health, to bring true happiness to one's family, to bring peace to all, one must first discipline and control one's own mind. If a man can control his mind he can find the way to Enlightenment, and all wisdom and virtue will naturally come to him. –Buddha
That being said, if the Buddha says one should control himself, then so be it!
Ah, don't you wish it were that easy?
We have two different and contradictory camps in modern society; Those who wish to control only themselves, and those who believe a lack of control brings them closer to the divine.
Many cultures consider the body, mind, soul and everything therein something which can be controlled by the conscious Will.
Many other cultures believe the exact opposite. They believe you must release that control, understanding you never had it to begin with and one must have faith that whomever or whatever is at the helm, will guide you appropriately; but only if you believe.
So with these contradictions, how does one decide the issue of control in daily life? How does one shift from someone who knows they have complete control over themselves in every action/thought/deed to someone who can release these feelings to allow for things that are outside our control?

You see, I could go in circles with this for days, and I’m guessing anyone reading this could do the same.
Here’s the important factor, in my opinion;
Does it make you happy to know you control everything? Does it make you happy to give your faith to a higher place, be it fate, God, Goddess, etc?
Do you enjoy the idea that every moment is random chance, chaos in motion? Or, do you simply not care either way?
The true question is what makes you joyful. What makes you want to continue moving forward; Faith or personal power? The answer to this question can be put another way;
Do you choose the path of Severity or the path of Mercy?
Well, no one wants to be known as that “left hand path” person… It’s much safer to travel the light path, the right hand path, the path of light and joy and wisdom and beauty… right?

Well, I go back to an old cliché to address this:
“…there can be no good without evil, no love without hate, no heaven without hell, no light without darkness. The harmony of the universe depends upon an eternal balance. Out of the struggle to maintain this balance comes the birth of legends.” –Legend, 1985

That being the case, light and dark must balance and thus, we can maintain that we do in fact control our own minds and thoughts and actions however, thoughts and actions of others cannot be controlled by anyone else but them. We each can walk the path of the flaming sword, touching light and dark, mercy and severity, splendor and victory. Logical, right? So then, why do we constantly seek to control one another??? I suppose the bottom line that everyone says they know but rarely live by is the simply fact that we can only control others when they allow us to. If they give us that power, we can use it, however remember that they may do the same with you. That's where it becomes confusing; we want to control but we don't want to allow control in others. We tend to wish we could have the universe bend to our Will, but are frustrated when others think the same way! We are, in a sense... saying "all the ways are MY way"! How very Queen of Hearts we all are. ;-)

Every time we say, “you made me feel…” you are providing others that opportunity to control you. It’s funny how humans are vastly hypocritical. I can say, “I am woman, I am power, I am strength…” and in the same conversation, I can say, “he hurt me, he lied, he caused me pain, his actions have made me untrusting.”
So in this statement, I’ve said “I have the power.. but only when I don’t give it away. I control my actions, but only when things go well. If things don’t go well, it’s someone else’s fault. I’m in pain… and someone else did this TO me, I was just sitting here minding my own business, perfectly in control of my surroundings until HE came.”

I wonder how many people in this vast web are able to connect with their true motivations and recognize that in every moment, we are always in control.
But wait… you say, what about abuse? Rape? Attack and assault? How am I in control in these moments when someone else’s will overcomes my own, however in control I tried to be, how could I have been to blame in these moments?

To this, I ask you… why blame anyone? Does it serve your heart justice to point your rage at someone? Rape and assault changes the soul, wakes it up, breaks it just a little and in those breaks, grow new life and new understanding of self. New beginnings are allowed through the cracks of shattered lives. Unless you chose to be a victim, you can choose to accept the experience and learn from it. Either you allow the pain to consume you, rape you continually throughout your life until every moment is covered by a sense of brutal entitlement or… you choose to use it as fuel and power, building something new in the absence of innocence.

Every single thing you lose is replaced with something new. Basic physics teaches us this golden rule and in moments of grief, pain, loss and anger we can look to it as a guide; everything transforms and nothing really disappears, it simply changes.

So. Before you go blaming others for your emotional downfalls and tragedies, remember that you are the one in control of your own mind and thoughts. You decide who gets to manipulate you. If you allow yourself to be controlled, don’t get upset when you feel used and manipulated! Remember you chose to give it, so if you don’t like it, simply change your actions. Change your behavior, change your ability to give away that control and take it back. There is no point in pushing anger toward someone for what you freely gave to them; they’re simply reacting to their environment just as anyone would. If you choose to become angry or hurt by the actions of others, remember you are doing this, they cannot hurt you.

Only you can hurt you.

The Dalai Lama once said; “One can overcome the forces of negative emotions, like anger and hatred, by cultivating their counterforces, like love and compassion.”

By controlling our reactions to pain, by providing compassion instead of rage in situations where rage may feel called for, we foster the development of love in moments where no love could be seen. By counteracting our need to blame by allowing ourselves to love, we may find joy in any situation.