Last time I posted here, I had not yet become a mother. I cannot express in a blog the experience and emotional insanity I have been through since this last post below, but I can sum up; parenthood is absolutely amazing. It’s horrifying and beautiful. It made me aware of my own mortality in a way I never understood before. It made me more aware of the gravity of my choices in a way I had never experienced. It has opened my eyes to my inner spirit and my divine purpose and has shown me who I really am in ways I never knew were possible. I have been broken, terrified, full of fear. I have been ecstatic and joyful, thankful and grateful for my mere ability to breathe and to feel my heart beat in my chest. I have been both fulfilled and empty. I am simultaneously cautious and careless. I take risks and in the same moment, plan for everything. My life has become the biggest walking contradiction I, personally have ever seen. One moment I’m crying out of fear of the unknown and in the very next breath I laugh because I acknowledge it’s no different than before- I just notice it more now.
I admit I have been suffering from postpartum anxiety since the birth of my dear child. I am coming to terms with it now, realizing how far down the rabbit hole I actually slipped before I was ready to admit it. I wish I could say it’s over now that I’ve realized it- but this is anything but true. I recognize that how I feel is beyond me at this point and I need further guidance and help to move out of this place. My depression began about this time last year, long before he was even born. I thought it was stress. I thought it was nothing to worry about, that when I quit my job and was able to have the time I needed to do what I really wanted to do, I would be fine. I had been dealing with changes in my body, new pain, lack of mobility as my belly grew, my ability to do things became harder and harder. I was still working 9 hour days in an office 2 hours in traffic away from home, a home I had just moved into. I had no time for me, as I was finishing my degree and was either sleeping, driving, working or studying and I was overwhelmed to the point of exhaustion, anger, anxiety and depression. I held out hope this would all just float away after the baby was born. Sadly I was mistaken.
I've been secretly suffering panic attacks, constant feelings of dread, afraid to leave the house because of what might happen and at the same time, afraid to stay home because I didn't trust how I was feeling to be alone. I finally started admitting it to myself after I got to the point where I was having a panic attack every morning when Craig would leave for work and I would be afraid that I was dying of some heart condition or some other unknown thing that would render me helpless to care for him. I would be afraid that I'd pass out or fall, or that something would happen that would cause me to be unconscious and then I'd fixate on what would happen to him all day with no one here... but when I tried putting him down somewhere safe, he just cried and cried so I felt totally trapped. I was afraid to hold him because if I passed out, he'd get hurt but he'd cry if I put him down and I didn't know what to do.
So, when I am filled with anxiety and my dear child won't let me do anything but sit on the couch holding him I start to go a little crazy again. LOL... I think the average person would be okay with it but because I've got this mental issue on top of his attachment it makes it harder.
Then, compound that with the mundain issues such as finances, bills, daily responsibilities and what not and I found myself worried all the time with way too much time by myself to think about all of it with nothing to distract me but the television.
I'm amazed at how many women go through this and don't say anything. I waited literally 9 months before I started talking about it, secretly feeling horrible all the time. Everyone talks about postpartum depression but no one really talks about anxiety. Some women don't get sad, they grow afraid of everything. They fear for their health, the health of their baby, financial issues, irrational fears of horrible accidents and scenarios that play out in the mind that can't be stopped, like a bad dream you can't shake out of. All of this I have and continue to experience. I admit here now that I’ve been buried in the swamps of sadness, fearing everything including myself in hopes that others who may experience it become brave enough to voice their fears and find the love and support they need to move forward and climb out of it.
I have gone in these past 10 months from happier than I ever have been to more afraid than I ever thought possible. What I have learned so far along this journey, is to try to be rational as I can be, do all I can to prevent the outcomes I fear and recognize the irrational fears for what they are and do my best to move through them.
Fear is a terrible emotion, full of physical and chemical reactions that can terrify the spirit and make you feel like you’re dying.
Again, I have not yet overcome this… but I am willing to voice it. I feel there is power in standing up to the jabberwocky and I intend to fight it with all I have.
I usually reserve this space for enlightened words of wisdom to gift as pearls to those I love, but I’m learning now the gift of sharing may be the most profound of all. If my experience helps even one other person from waiting as long as I did to recognize that these emotions are not normal, they don’t make you a bad person or a bad mother and there’s no shame in asking for help- then I have passed along the best gift I can offer.
That’s all for now.
Love and light…
J
Thursday, September 1, 2011
Thursday, May 27, 2010
Responsibility and Excuses
It’s been some time since I have posted so I thought I would pop in for a spell to share something that has been on my mind lately. I don’t have much time today so I’ll get right to it.
With great responsibility comes great power. Wait, isn’t that backwards? Well, I’m not so sure it is.
When we embrace our path and grasp our role in the universe with both hands, we become empowered to do great things. When we align ourselves with who we were intended to become, simply as a side effect we will become stronger in both mind and in body. Our presence is more grand, we stand taller, we are more likely to smile, to sigh at the simple beauty of the world, to breathe deeply and to do more than just see our surroundings, we will live within them and we will create them to be what we wish them to be. Instead of allowing the world to take us places, we will take the world places.
When we are in the right place, we naturally become more confident, as we know beyond a shadow of a doubt that we are just where we are supposed to be and that knowing can bring tremendous comfort. Things that were difficult, suddenly become easy.
That feeling of calm and security with all things does not come without its price, however.
Bliss does not come without its responsibility. One must work at bliss.
Anyone who tells you the road to happiness is a straight and paved one, is either lying to you or has never seen it for themselves. The road is rocky, treacherous and dangerous. The demons of stagnation, doubt and fear lurk around every corner and will try to trip you, confuse you and take you away from your goal. The fog of indecision will come down upon you and you may loose your way and the great and terrible "what if" will rear its ugly head and breathe fire at your toes, screaming at you to "GO BACK!" like a terrible monster from a childhood nightmare.
The path is never a clear and easy one. The path will make you forget, and playing the role of Tom Bombadil, will show you how much easier it would be if you just stopped, had a quiet picnic on a grassy knoll and let time go by. The path will try to shelter you from storms- it will cover you with thick woods on either side, beckoning you to just stay a while longer… it’s cold and wet out there… there’s mud and wind… just stay… and sooner than you think, years have gone by Rip Van Winkle... and what did you do with all that time?
You have to be honest with yourself about what you want, enough to be willing to say no when the path wants to stop you. You must keep your wits about you and the sword of truth at your side. You have the ultimate responsibility, the one that is so very simple to ignore- the one that leads you to your own happiness.
But if you embrace it, you will gain great power.
If you choose not to, always remember- it was always your choice.
Now, on that note- Synchronicity happened and I randomly found an entry from a journal by Donna Metcalfe. She ws the owner of a shop called Good Scents in Redlands, CA. She was one of my biggest inspirations growing up and this is an entry from her blog. It still rings true and is well worth the read.
This find was proof that yes, the path may be cunning in trying to convince you to stand still, but it sometimes does show you signposts that you are still on your way in the right direction.
~
Excuses
by Donna Metcalfe
Whenever I hear someone give a reason for not doing something they say they’d really like to do, I always wonder why. I know why, I just wonder if they do.
It might sound like a perfectly good reason. The fact is that if that particular reasons or excuse is removed, there will be another one underneath it. And another one, like layers of an onion.
Because at the center is “I don’t want to.” That is the only basic reason for not doing something. The reasons for not wanting to can be good ones or silly ones, it doesn’t matter. “I don’t want to” is at the heart of it and beyond that you don’t have to look any farther.
This is because if they really wanted to, they’d already be doing it or making plans to do it; an excuse would be irrelevant! Whatever we really want to do, we set aside the necessary time, money and effort needed to do it. It doesn’t matter if someone else thinks we can’t do it, that doesn’t even come into the picture. Whatever is important to us to do, we find a way to do it.
Now maybe we have told ourselves that we should do something or should want to do something, but we really don’t want to. Maybe we are afraid to, or don’t want to put out the necessary effort. Maybe we don’t think we would like the consequences, or that someone else wouldn’t like it. That’s when we start making excuses for ourselves, to ourselves. This is where the “if only” come into play. If only something were different than what it is, things would be different for us.
Well, yes, if things were different, which they never are, we would be different, which we aren’t. Some how the excuses are meant to make us feel better about who we are and the way things are.
Well, things don’t become different until we make them so. Lying to ourselves is the most harmful lie there is. It keeps us from being able to change ourselves or our situation. What a tangle we get into by not accepting and admitting to ourselves what is really important to us.
To get untangled, a good first step is to stop making excuses to yourself about what you do or don’t do in your life. It doesn’t matter at this point whether you continue to give excuses to other people, although eventually you may want to stop that too. The only person you owe complete honesty to is yourself. If you don’t want to do something, let that be a good enough reason. you may choose to explore your reasons, or not. That can come later. First give yourself the freedom and power of honoring your gut feelings.
Take the pressure off the “shoulds” by examining each one to see if it truly matches with what you feel inside. This is a very good practice, learning how you really feel without making excuses for it. If you see something in yourself that you don’t like, you can always work on changing that, but not as long as you are making excuses. Gently push aside the excuses and look at what is the truth about how you feel. If the truth becomes too scary you can always cloak it again with excuses, but that doesn’t change the truth, only your perception of it. And no one says you have to look at the truth if you don’t want to, just don’t bother with the excuses!
With great responsibility comes great power. Wait, isn’t that backwards? Well, I’m not so sure it is.
When we embrace our path and grasp our role in the universe with both hands, we become empowered to do great things. When we align ourselves with who we were intended to become, simply as a side effect we will become stronger in both mind and in body. Our presence is more grand, we stand taller, we are more likely to smile, to sigh at the simple beauty of the world, to breathe deeply and to do more than just see our surroundings, we will live within them and we will create them to be what we wish them to be. Instead of allowing the world to take us places, we will take the world places.
When we are in the right place, we naturally become more confident, as we know beyond a shadow of a doubt that we are just where we are supposed to be and that knowing can bring tremendous comfort. Things that were difficult, suddenly become easy.
That feeling of calm and security with all things does not come without its price, however.
Bliss does not come without its responsibility. One must work at bliss.
Anyone who tells you the road to happiness is a straight and paved one, is either lying to you or has never seen it for themselves. The road is rocky, treacherous and dangerous. The demons of stagnation, doubt and fear lurk around every corner and will try to trip you, confuse you and take you away from your goal. The fog of indecision will come down upon you and you may loose your way and the great and terrible "what if" will rear its ugly head and breathe fire at your toes, screaming at you to "GO BACK!" like a terrible monster from a childhood nightmare.
The path is never a clear and easy one. The path will make you forget, and playing the role of Tom Bombadil, will show you how much easier it would be if you just stopped, had a quiet picnic on a grassy knoll and let time go by. The path will try to shelter you from storms- it will cover you with thick woods on either side, beckoning you to just stay a while longer… it’s cold and wet out there… there’s mud and wind… just stay… and sooner than you think, years have gone by Rip Van Winkle... and what did you do with all that time?
You have to be honest with yourself about what you want, enough to be willing to say no when the path wants to stop you. You must keep your wits about you and the sword of truth at your side. You have the ultimate responsibility, the one that is so very simple to ignore- the one that leads you to your own happiness.
But if you embrace it, you will gain great power.
If you choose not to, always remember- it was always your choice.
Now, on that note- Synchronicity happened and I randomly found an entry from a journal by Donna Metcalfe. She ws the owner of a shop called Good Scents in Redlands, CA. She was one of my biggest inspirations growing up and this is an entry from her blog. It still rings true and is well worth the read.
This find was proof that yes, the path may be cunning in trying to convince you to stand still, but it sometimes does show you signposts that you are still on your way in the right direction.
~
Excuses
by Donna Metcalfe
Whenever I hear someone give a reason for not doing something they say they’d really like to do, I always wonder why. I know why, I just wonder if they do.
It might sound like a perfectly good reason. The fact is that if that particular reasons or excuse is removed, there will be another one underneath it. And another one, like layers of an onion.
Because at the center is “I don’t want to.” That is the only basic reason for not doing something. The reasons for not wanting to can be good ones or silly ones, it doesn’t matter. “I don’t want to” is at the heart of it and beyond that you don’t have to look any farther.
This is because if they really wanted to, they’d already be doing it or making plans to do it; an excuse would be irrelevant! Whatever we really want to do, we set aside the necessary time, money and effort needed to do it. It doesn’t matter if someone else thinks we can’t do it, that doesn’t even come into the picture. Whatever is important to us to do, we find a way to do it.
Now maybe we have told ourselves that we should do something or should want to do something, but we really don’t want to. Maybe we are afraid to, or don’t want to put out the necessary effort. Maybe we don’t think we would like the consequences, or that someone else wouldn’t like it. That’s when we start making excuses for ourselves, to ourselves. This is where the “if only” come into play. If only something were different than what it is, things would be different for us.
Well, yes, if things were different, which they never are, we would be different, which we aren’t. Some how the excuses are meant to make us feel better about who we are and the way things are.
Well, things don’t become different until we make them so. Lying to ourselves is the most harmful lie there is. It keeps us from being able to change ourselves or our situation. What a tangle we get into by not accepting and admitting to ourselves what is really important to us.
To get untangled, a good first step is to stop making excuses to yourself about what you do or don’t do in your life. It doesn’t matter at this point whether you continue to give excuses to other people, although eventually you may want to stop that too. The only person you owe complete honesty to is yourself. If you don’t want to do something, let that be a good enough reason. you may choose to explore your reasons, or not. That can come later. First give yourself the freedom and power of honoring your gut feelings.
Take the pressure off the “shoulds” by examining each one to see if it truly matches with what you feel inside. This is a very good practice, learning how you really feel without making excuses for it. If you see something in yourself that you don’t like, you can always work on changing that, but not as long as you are making excuses. Gently push aside the excuses and look at what is the truth about how you feel. If the truth becomes too scary you can always cloak it again with excuses, but that doesn’t change the truth, only your perception of it. And no one says you have to look at the truth if you don’t want to, just don’t bother with the excuses!
Wednesday, March 31, 2010
Further discussion on control and identity
I believe that each of us is 100% in control of our environment, our bodies, our minds and our actions. I believe even our spirits are within our grasp, our fates, our futures and our pasts. I believe our spirits decide before we reach this earth what life will provide us the best karma for our progression throughout our existence and teach us the lessons we must learn this time around. I believe our birth, place, family, everything… is something we have chosen.
With this in mind, I continue.
Topics consistently arise that fall under the heading of control and I think it warrants another look into the topic.
People bring this up to me all the time with questions about how they can be in complete control when it certainly doesn’t feel like it.
Here are a few of the choice phrases I hear;
It’s not my fault, I wasn’t given an opportunity…
I didn’t cause this, I just have to live with it
Why should things be so hard for me?
Why am I the only one that has it so hard?
Each of these questions has an answer, albeit one that most don’t like to hear. Here are my responses to these questions, every time:
It’s not my fault, I wasn’t given an opportunity…
- So make your own opportunity. Why rely upon others or plain circumstance to create your future for you? Do you really wish to give up so much of yourself to everything around you?
I didn’t cause this, I just have to live with it
Perhaps you didn’t create it, perhaps you did… the choice is yours how you proceed after “it” has become a reality. You can be a victim or the warrior, your choice.
Why should things be so hard for me?
- If you are judging your life against others around you, you will forever be wanting and likely never happy with your own life. If you must look at your peers, see their strengths as lessons. Not as jabs at your life or proof that you had it harder than them. You can choose to rise above it, or wallow in it.
Why am I the only one that has it so hard?
- This is almost the same question, but the answer is a bit different. Never judge another’s hell, or another’s heaven. Each person is here to learn and grow. Your lessons are for you, not them. Their lessons are for them and not you. Just because you feel your hell is well, hellish… doesn’t devalue the lessons they learn within their own purgatory. Each of us has nightmares and closets with monsters and secrets; it’s best not to judge who’s is the deepest or yours truly will become the deepest of all.
-
This leads me to another piece of the same question- most people don’t consider it a part of the “control” discussion, but I feel it’s very connected. The trouble with identity is often where we are in life and who we are as individuals. Identity and control go hand in hand, as the ability to control your own destiny creates who you are as an individual.
People often come to me with their struggles saying things like;
I feel like I've done nothing I'm supposed to do in my life.
I feel like I abandoned who I was supposed to be years ago.
I have no idea who I am and I'm almost 35...
Now, I think it's perfectly normal to have these feelings. I sometimes fall into the trap of feeling angry, upset, anxious, frustrated… that others seem farther along in their paths than I am. I feel sometimes that I let myself break away from things I knew were true many years ago, and fought against it like a child fights against the bath. I fought and fought and now I feel I have wasted all those years fighting while everyone else was moving forward.
I question my identity, my purpose, my past, the validity of what I’ve learned and I question my value. To myself, my friends, society… and I worry that I am not worthy of the path I am seeking.
I think everyone does this at some point, probably not as publicly as I do, but I still think they do.
I realize of course, this couldn’t be farther from the truth- I have become the person I am now because of the lessons I learned through my experiences. I didn’t waste any time at all, I continued to grow and learn and as I did, more and more of my life became clear.
The simple truth is that I cannot be anyone else but me and no amount of wishing or feeling down on myself or wanting things that others have that will make it so. This life is no mistake and there are no other people I could be. I cannot look at others and be wanting, for their lives are not mine to want.
Now, I write all this because it has become acutely apparent to me that people all around me are struggling with this concept on a profound level.
So many people become trapped in the idea that they should become something, they should be a “man” they should be a “woman” and these labels drive nails into our psyche as we struggle to understand what they really mean and how these words relate to us as individuals.
For example; according to most people, a woman should be married or want to be married, have children or want to have children, be loving, kind and accommodating, sexy and good at entertaining, she should clean, cook and look beautiful while doing it and if you cannot multitask yourself to death in 86 different ways you are just not a woman.
When I was a child, I KNEW I would be a singer. I was a singer, an actress, a performer… for years that was my only ambition. That is still a huge piece of who I am, but I became more than just this one dimension as I got older, gained other interests and explored new paths.
At this point in my life today, all I can say is that I am a seeker. Seeking life, truth, knowledge, mystery and I am perfectly okay with the fact that you cannot classify this in a title under my signature or a business card. I have no need for a conventional identifier and I’m perfectly comfortable without one.
I recently demoted myself and took a job that was less responsibility and less pay than the one I’d had for almost three years. For a while, I struggled with my sense of identity, was embarrassed by calling myself a Lead instead of a Supervisor. I felt the title gave me credibility, gave my life meaning somehow, made me feel like I’d actually done something important with my life and the title was proof of my hard work and my intelligence. Ha! How wrong could one person be!
I am a teacher, a singer, a wife, a healer, a witch, a daughter, a sister, a friend, a writer, a painter and a million things in between those. I am who I am. Even though moments of feeling like I’m not in control, moments when I feel others’ will is a stronger force in my life than my own, I am reminded that through it all, I am always going to be me. That fact is power, as it reminds me that I am the one in control.
I choose to live an active, life full of learning and healing or a life of stagnation and want. I understand that this is my choice and my Will that makes it so, and no one else bullies me into it. No one holds a gun to my head and screams at me to come to work every day, I choose to do this because the preset need requires it, nothing more. I choose to take on so many tasks that I don’t have time for little else and I choose to become stressed when I overwhelm myself with all my tasks. I know this is my own choice and one day I will learn to pace myself a little more appropriately.
It makes me sad when people get so hung up on the titles, like the title is their personal flag of truth. I know that when I get hung up on it, it’s a temporary thing but I also know that for most people it isn’t. It’s something that keeps them up at night, makes them feel worthless and makes them feel powerless and empty.
It’s like they believe that without their flag, they have no identity.
People, I cannot stress this enough hope someday you see and understand; your title is not a coat of arms on a shield above your door for all to see.
Your flag is within you, the spark of life that gives it meaning and depth. It cannot be learned in a school, or given to you in a promotion, or handed to you as an ID badge at your job. You are still you, without the access card, the title under your signature, the nice car or the degree in whatever you went to school to learn.
And no, you are not your khaki’s.
You take these things with you but underneath them, you are still you. You are the you who learned the lessons, found sacred truths for yourself and build yourself an identity. Your title and what you do, what you look like, what you call yourself means little to your spirit.
You can call yourself a priestess, but any idiot off the street who has read Cunningham’s book on solitary Wicca can claim this right, but if they go back to a life of stagnation, polluting their bodies and hurting others, being spiteful and resentful with little care of anyone but themselves... Those people can claim the title, but they cannot claim the truth.
You can call yourself a man but does that mean you really are? Sure you have the look; you have all the parts and biology to claim the title, but just because you are male does not mean you are a man. And for the record, a title does not make you a man, either. You are or are not one to start with and only you can know the truth of this. You can lie to yourself and everyone else but your spirit knows where you stand.
Your spirit doesn’t care if you have money, if you have a nice car, your spirit doesn’t care if you are loved by others or are successful in your career. Your spirit only cares about your karma and the lessons you are here to learn. You can choose to live and learn them, live and ignore them… either way you have to live so why not make the most of it, right?
It's important to remember;
The titles are there to support the work you have done, not to be who you are. Live for the life, not the title. Live for the existence that each breath brings you, not for the notoriety that title affords.
With this in mind, I continue.
Topics consistently arise that fall under the heading of control and I think it warrants another look into the topic.
People bring this up to me all the time with questions about how they can be in complete control when it certainly doesn’t feel like it.
Here are a few of the choice phrases I hear;
It’s not my fault, I wasn’t given an opportunity…
I didn’t cause this, I just have to live with it
Why should things be so hard for me?
Why am I the only one that has it so hard?
Each of these questions has an answer, albeit one that most don’t like to hear. Here are my responses to these questions, every time:
It’s not my fault, I wasn’t given an opportunity…
- So make your own opportunity. Why rely upon others or plain circumstance to create your future for you? Do you really wish to give up so much of yourself to everything around you?
I didn’t cause this, I just have to live with it
Perhaps you didn’t create it, perhaps you did… the choice is yours how you proceed after “it” has become a reality. You can be a victim or the warrior, your choice.
Why should things be so hard for me?
- If you are judging your life against others around you, you will forever be wanting and likely never happy with your own life. If you must look at your peers, see their strengths as lessons. Not as jabs at your life or proof that you had it harder than them. You can choose to rise above it, or wallow in it.
Why am I the only one that has it so hard?
- This is almost the same question, but the answer is a bit different. Never judge another’s hell, or another’s heaven. Each person is here to learn and grow. Your lessons are for you, not them. Their lessons are for them and not you. Just because you feel your hell is well, hellish… doesn’t devalue the lessons they learn within their own purgatory. Each of us has nightmares and closets with monsters and secrets; it’s best not to judge who’s is the deepest or yours truly will become the deepest of all.
-
This leads me to another piece of the same question- most people don’t consider it a part of the “control” discussion, but I feel it’s very connected. The trouble with identity is often where we are in life and who we are as individuals. Identity and control go hand in hand, as the ability to control your own destiny creates who you are as an individual.
People often come to me with their struggles saying things like;
I feel like I've done nothing I'm supposed to do in my life.
I feel like I abandoned who I was supposed to be years ago.
I have no idea who I am and I'm almost 35...
Now, I think it's perfectly normal to have these feelings. I sometimes fall into the trap of feeling angry, upset, anxious, frustrated… that others seem farther along in their paths than I am. I feel sometimes that I let myself break away from things I knew were true many years ago, and fought against it like a child fights against the bath. I fought and fought and now I feel I have wasted all those years fighting while everyone else was moving forward.
I question my identity, my purpose, my past, the validity of what I’ve learned and I question my value. To myself, my friends, society… and I worry that I am not worthy of the path I am seeking.
I think everyone does this at some point, probably not as publicly as I do, but I still think they do.
I realize of course, this couldn’t be farther from the truth- I have become the person I am now because of the lessons I learned through my experiences. I didn’t waste any time at all, I continued to grow and learn and as I did, more and more of my life became clear.
The simple truth is that I cannot be anyone else but me and no amount of wishing or feeling down on myself or wanting things that others have that will make it so. This life is no mistake and there are no other people I could be. I cannot look at others and be wanting, for their lives are not mine to want.
Now, I write all this because it has become acutely apparent to me that people all around me are struggling with this concept on a profound level.
So many people become trapped in the idea that they should become something, they should be a “man” they should be a “woman” and these labels drive nails into our psyche as we struggle to understand what they really mean and how these words relate to us as individuals.
For example; according to most people, a woman should be married or want to be married, have children or want to have children, be loving, kind and accommodating, sexy and good at entertaining, she should clean, cook and look beautiful while doing it and if you cannot multitask yourself to death in 86 different ways you are just not a woman.
When I was a child, I KNEW I would be a singer. I was a singer, an actress, a performer… for years that was my only ambition. That is still a huge piece of who I am, but I became more than just this one dimension as I got older, gained other interests and explored new paths.
At this point in my life today, all I can say is that I am a seeker. Seeking life, truth, knowledge, mystery and I am perfectly okay with the fact that you cannot classify this in a title under my signature or a business card. I have no need for a conventional identifier and I’m perfectly comfortable without one.
I recently demoted myself and took a job that was less responsibility and less pay than the one I’d had for almost three years. For a while, I struggled with my sense of identity, was embarrassed by calling myself a Lead instead of a Supervisor. I felt the title gave me credibility, gave my life meaning somehow, made me feel like I’d actually done something important with my life and the title was proof of my hard work and my intelligence. Ha! How wrong could one person be!
I am a teacher, a singer, a wife, a healer, a witch, a daughter, a sister, a friend, a writer, a painter and a million things in between those. I am who I am. Even though moments of feeling like I’m not in control, moments when I feel others’ will is a stronger force in my life than my own, I am reminded that through it all, I am always going to be me. That fact is power, as it reminds me that I am the one in control.
I choose to live an active, life full of learning and healing or a life of stagnation and want. I understand that this is my choice and my Will that makes it so, and no one else bullies me into it. No one holds a gun to my head and screams at me to come to work every day, I choose to do this because the preset need requires it, nothing more. I choose to take on so many tasks that I don’t have time for little else and I choose to become stressed when I overwhelm myself with all my tasks. I know this is my own choice and one day I will learn to pace myself a little more appropriately.
It makes me sad when people get so hung up on the titles, like the title is their personal flag of truth. I know that when I get hung up on it, it’s a temporary thing but I also know that for most people it isn’t. It’s something that keeps them up at night, makes them feel worthless and makes them feel powerless and empty.
It’s like they believe that without their flag, they have no identity.
People, I cannot stress this enough hope someday you see and understand; your title is not a coat of arms on a shield above your door for all to see.
Your flag is within you, the spark of life that gives it meaning and depth. It cannot be learned in a school, or given to you in a promotion, or handed to you as an ID badge at your job. You are still you, without the access card, the title under your signature, the nice car or the degree in whatever you went to school to learn.
And no, you are not your khaki’s.
You take these things with you but underneath them, you are still you. You are the you who learned the lessons, found sacred truths for yourself and build yourself an identity. Your title and what you do, what you look like, what you call yourself means little to your spirit.
You can call yourself a priestess, but any idiot off the street who has read Cunningham’s book on solitary Wicca can claim this right, but if they go back to a life of stagnation, polluting their bodies and hurting others, being spiteful and resentful with little care of anyone but themselves... Those people can claim the title, but they cannot claim the truth.
You can call yourself a man but does that mean you really are? Sure you have the look; you have all the parts and biology to claim the title, but just because you are male does not mean you are a man. And for the record, a title does not make you a man, either. You are or are not one to start with and only you can know the truth of this. You can lie to yourself and everyone else but your spirit knows where you stand.
Your spirit doesn’t care if you have money, if you have a nice car, your spirit doesn’t care if you are loved by others or are successful in your career. Your spirit only cares about your karma and the lessons you are here to learn. You can choose to live and learn them, live and ignore them… either way you have to live so why not make the most of it, right?
It's important to remember;
The titles are there to support the work you have done, not to be who you are. Live for the life, not the title. Live for the existence that each breath brings you, not for the notoriety that title affords.
Sunday, March 7, 2010
On the issue of control
2/24/10
To control, To enjoy good health, to bring true happiness to one's family, to bring peace to all, one must first discipline and control one's own mind. If a man can control his mind he can find the way to Enlightenment, and all wisdom and virtue will naturally come to him. –Buddha
That being said, if the Buddha says one should control himself, then so be it!
Ah, don't you wish it were that easy?
We have two different and contradictory camps in modern society; Those who wish to control only themselves, and those who believe a lack of control brings them closer to the divine.
Many cultures consider the body, mind, soul and everything therein something which can be controlled by the conscious Will.
Many other cultures believe the exact opposite. They believe you must release that control, understanding you never had it to begin with and one must have faith that whomever or whatever is at the helm, will guide you appropriately; but only if you believe.
So with these contradictions, how does one decide the issue of control in daily life? How does one shift from someone who knows they have complete control over themselves in every action/thought/deed to someone who can release these feelings to allow for things that are outside our control?
You see, I could go in circles with this for days, and I’m guessing anyone reading this could do the same.
Here’s the important factor, in my opinion;
Does it make you happy to know you control everything? Does it make you happy to give your faith to a higher place, be it fate, God, Goddess, etc?
Do you enjoy the idea that every moment is random chance, chaos in motion? Or, do you simply not care either way?
The true question is what makes you joyful. What makes you want to continue moving forward; Faith or personal power? The answer to this question can be put another way;
Do you choose the path of Severity or the path of Mercy?
Well, no one wants to be known as that “left hand path” person… It’s much safer to travel the light path, the right hand path, the path of light and joy and wisdom and beauty… right?
Well, I go back to an old cliché to address this:
“…there can be no good without evil, no love without hate, no heaven without hell, no light without darkness. The harmony of the universe depends upon an eternal balance. Out of the struggle to maintain this balance comes the birth of legends.” –Legend, 1985
That being the case, light and dark must balance and thus, we can maintain that we do in fact control our own minds and thoughts and actions however, thoughts and actions of others cannot be controlled by anyone else but them. We each can walk the path of the flaming sword, touching light and dark, mercy and severity, splendor and victory. Logical, right? So then, why do we constantly seek to control one another??? I suppose the bottom line that everyone says they know but rarely live by is the simply fact that we can only control others when they allow us to. If they give us that power, we can use it, however remember that they may do the same with you. That's where it becomes confusing; we want to control but we don't want to allow control in others. We tend to wish we could have the universe bend to our Will, but are frustrated when others think the same way! We are, in a sense... saying "all the ways are MY way"! How very Queen of Hearts we all are. ;-)
Every time we say, “you made me feel…” you are providing others that opportunity to control you. It’s funny how humans are vastly hypocritical. I can say, “I am woman, I am power, I am strength…” and in the same conversation, I can say, “he hurt me, he lied, he caused me pain, his actions have made me untrusting.”
So in this statement, I’ve said “I have the power.. but only when I don’t give it away. I control my actions, but only when things go well. If things don’t go well, it’s someone else’s fault. I’m in pain… and someone else did this TO me, I was just sitting here minding my own business, perfectly in control of my surroundings until HE came.”
I wonder how many people in this vast web are able to connect with their true motivations and recognize that in every moment, we are always in control.
But wait… you say, what about abuse? Rape? Attack and assault? How am I in control in these moments when someone else’s will overcomes my own, however in control I tried to be, how could I have been to blame in these moments?
To this, I ask you… why blame anyone? Does it serve your heart justice to point your rage at someone? Rape and assault changes the soul, wakes it up, breaks it just a little and in those breaks, grow new life and new understanding of self. New beginnings are allowed through the cracks of shattered lives. Unless you chose to be a victim, you can choose to accept the experience and learn from it. Either you allow the pain to consume you, rape you continually throughout your life until every moment is covered by a sense of brutal entitlement or… you choose to use it as fuel and power, building something new in the absence of innocence.
Every single thing you lose is replaced with something new. Basic physics teaches us this golden rule and in moments of grief, pain, loss and anger we can look to it as a guide; everything transforms and nothing really disappears, it simply changes.
So. Before you go blaming others for your emotional downfalls and tragedies, remember that you are the one in control of your own mind and thoughts. You decide who gets to manipulate you. If you allow yourself to be controlled, don’t get upset when you feel used and manipulated! Remember you chose to give it, so if you don’t like it, simply change your actions. Change your behavior, change your ability to give away that control and take it back. There is no point in pushing anger toward someone for what you freely gave to them; they’re simply reacting to their environment just as anyone would. If you choose to become angry or hurt by the actions of others, remember you are doing this, they cannot hurt you.
Only you can hurt you.
The Dalai Lama once said; “One can overcome the forces of negative emotions, like anger and hatred, by cultivating their counterforces, like love and compassion.”
By controlling our reactions to pain, by providing compassion instead of rage in situations where rage may feel called for, we foster the development of love in moments where no love could be seen. By counteracting our need to blame by allowing ourselves to love, we may find joy in any situation.
To control, To enjoy good health, to bring true happiness to one's family, to bring peace to all, one must first discipline and control one's own mind. If a man can control his mind he can find the way to Enlightenment, and all wisdom and virtue will naturally come to him. –Buddha
That being said, if the Buddha says one should control himself, then so be it!
Ah, don't you wish it were that easy?
We have two different and contradictory camps in modern society; Those who wish to control only themselves, and those who believe a lack of control brings them closer to the divine.
Many cultures consider the body, mind, soul and everything therein something which can be controlled by the conscious Will.
Many other cultures believe the exact opposite. They believe you must release that control, understanding you never had it to begin with and one must have faith that whomever or whatever is at the helm, will guide you appropriately; but only if you believe.
So with these contradictions, how does one decide the issue of control in daily life? How does one shift from someone who knows they have complete control over themselves in every action/thought/deed to someone who can release these feelings to allow for things that are outside our control?
You see, I could go in circles with this for days, and I’m guessing anyone reading this could do the same.
Here’s the important factor, in my opinion;
Does it make you happy to know you control everything? Does it make you happy to give your faith to a higher place, be it fate, God, Goddess, etc?
Do you enjoy the idea that every moment is random chance, chaos in motion? Or, do you simply not care either way?
The true question is what makes you joyful. What makes you want to continue moving forward; Faith or personal power? The answer to this question can be put another way;
Do you choose the path of Severity or the path of Mercy?
Well, no one wants to be known as that “left hand path” person… It’s much safer to travel the light path, the right hand path, the path of light and joy and wisdom and beauty… right?
Well, I go back to an old cliché to address this:
“…there can be no good without evil, no love without hate, no heaven without hell, no light without darkness. The harmony of the universe depends upon an eternal balance. Out of the struggle to maintain this balance comes the birth of legends.” –Legend, 1985
That being the case, light and dark must balance and thus, we can maintain that we do in fact control our own minds and thoughts and actions however, thoughts and actions of others cannot be controlled by anyone else but them. We each can walk the path of the flaming sword, touching light and dark, mercy and severity, splendor and victory. Logical, right? So then, why do we constantly seek to control one another??? I suppose the bottom line that everyone says they know but rarely live by is the simply fact that we can only control others when they allow us to. If they give us that power, we can use it, however remember that they may do the same with you. That's where it becomes confusing; we want to control but we don't want to allow control in others. We tend to wish we could have the universe bend to our Will, but are frustrated when others think the same way! We are, in a sense... saying "all the ways are MY way"! How very Queen of Hearts we all are. ;-)
Every time we say, “you made me feel…” you are providing others that opportunity to control you. It’s funny how humans are vastly hypocritical. I can say, “I am woman, I am power, I am strength…” and in the same conversation, I can say, “he hurt me, he lied, he caused me pain, his actions have made me untrusting.”
So in this statement, I’ve said “I have the power.. but only when I don’t give it away. I control my actions, but only when things go well. If things don’t go well, it’s someone else’s fault. I’m in pain… and someone else did this TO me, I was just sitting here minding my own business, perfectly in control of my surroundings until HE came.”
I wonder how many people in this vast web are able to connect with their true motivations and recognize that in every moment, we are always in control.
But wait… you say, what about abuse? Rape? Attack and assault? How am I in control in these moments when someone else’s will overcomes my own, however in control I tried to be, how could I have been to blame in these moments?
To this, I ask you… why blame anyone? Does it serve your heart justice to point your rage at someone? Rape and assault changes the soul, wakes it up, breaks it just a little and in those breaks, grow new life and new understanding of self. New beginnings are allowed through the cracks of shattered lives. Unless you chose to be a victim, you can choose to accept the experience and learn from it. Either you allow the pain to consume you, rape you continually throughout your life until every moment is covered by a sense of brutal entitlement or… you choose to use it as fuel and power, building something new in the absence of innocence.
Every single thing you lose is replaced with something new. Basic physics teaches us this golden rule and in moments of grief, pain, loss and anger we can look to it as a guide; everything transforms and nothing really disappears, it simply changes.
So. Before you go blaming others for your emotional downfalls and tragedies, remember that you are the one in control of your own mind and thoughts. You decide who gets to manipulate you. If you allow yourself to be controlled, don’t get upset when you feel used and manipulated! Remember you chose to give it, so if you don’t like it, simply change your actions. Change your behavior, change your ability to give away that control and take it back. There is no point in pushing anger toward someone for what you freely gave to them; they’re simply reacting to their environment just as anyone would. If you choose to become angry or hurt by the actions of others, remember you are doing this, they cannot hurt you.
Only you can hurt you.
The Dalai Lama once said; “One can overcome the forces of negative emotions, like anger and hatred, by cultivating their counterforces, like love and compassion.”
By controlling our reactions to pain, by providing compassion instead of rage in situations where rage may feel called for, we foster the development of love in moments where no love could be seen. By counteracting our need to blame by allowing ourselves to love, we may find joy in any situation.
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
Some day...ish?
The very first post I put up here was about this mad revelation I experienced, causing me to immediately see what I've allowed myself to become and how a false perspective of security made me literally stand still. I said I was ready for a shift; and I said I'd take you with me.
Well, I've given this some more thought and realized that just because I'm on this journey doesn't mean that you will take your leap of faith into the great unknown to chart your path and create your future. Just because I've made this commitment, does not mean you will. Maybe you don't want to.
If you do not, that's okay too. I say; be happy... however you can be. Be true to yourself, be honest about who you are and what you want and don't lie to yourself.
If you truly do want the life you have, instead of playing the "I wish I had" game, smile and realize this is exactly where you want to be, your future is now and you have reached it.
But for those of you who do not want to be where you are...
If I had a dollar for every time someone told me they could have done something "if only", I'd be a millionaire.
So in preparation for all justifications about to go through your mind, I've created a little check list of questions for you. When you don't wish to move forward for whatever reason, or.. if you THINK you've moved forward just because you say you want to...here are a few things to ask yourself:
Do I apologize (to self or others) for my poor use of time?
Do I imagine I could be doing something more?
Do I blame others and circumstances beyond my control for my lack of motion in life?
Do I have a list of excuses ready for those who will question my stagnation?
Am I more preoccupied with the life I’d rather be living than the one I have now?
Am I angry, disappointed, and depressed on a regular basis?
Do I already know how to fix my discontent?
Do I spend most of my day plotting this great future, or am I actively living it?
The last question here may be the most important. I think most of us forget that we are living in the future every day.
One of the most frustrating things to me is the phrase "someday I will have..." Dreams are wonderful; when you are sleeping! Goals are admirable and useful tools to success, don't get me wrong. However, "someday-ing" your way through life while you continue to do nothing is not okay.
So if you are a sleepy someday person... it's time to wake up. The gentle beams of sunlit skies are playing at your windowsill, begging for you to come out and witness the dawn of your life.
It is time to realize you have been living your future for some time now, and nothing will ever happen if you don't step off that ledge and move forward.
I must warn you, however... Don't be fooled by activity, as action can lie to you! Action provides a false belief you are moving forward. Don't be fooled by the great treadmill of life! Just because you are busy, does not mean you are living!
Sometimes, being still is the most active and beneficial thing you can do for yourself.
If the first thought that came to your mind is; "I don't have time to sit still..." you REALLY need to reevaluate.
Next time you sit down in front of a television, in front of Facebook or video games, or books, whatever form your procrastination comes in... recognize it for what it is. Realize you are your worst enabler of non-action. If you want what you say you want that badly- you will, in that moment... make the necessary step.
All you have to do is be honest.
Well, I've given this some more thought and realized that just because I'm on this journey doesn't mean that you will take your leap of faith into the great unknown to chart your path and create your future. Just because I've made this commitment, does not mean you will. Maybe you don't want to.
If you do not, that's okay too. I say; be happy... however you can be. Be true to yourself, be honest about who you are and what you want and don't lie to yourself.
If you truly do want the life you have, instead of playing the "I wish I had" game, smile and realize this is exactly where you want to be, your future is now and you have reached it.
But for those of you who do not want to be where you are...
If I had a dollar for every time someone told me they could have done something "if only", I'd be a millionaire.
So in preparation for all justifications about to go through your mind, I've created a little check list of questions for you. When you don't wish to move forward for whatever reason, or.. if you THINK you've moved forward just because you say you want to...here are a few things to ask yourself:
Do I apologize (to self or others) for my poor use of time?
Do I imagine I could be doing something more?
Do I blame others and circumstances beyond my control for my lack of motion in life?
Do I have a list of excuses ready for those who will question my stagnation?
Am I more preoccupied with the life I’d rather be living than the one I have now?
Am I angry, disappointed, and depressed on a regular basis?
Do I already know how to fix my discontent?
Do I spend most of my day plotting this great future, or am I actively living it?
The last question here may be the most important. I think most of us forget that we are living in the future every day.
One of the most frustrating things to me is the phrase "someday I will have..." Dreams are wonderful; when you are sleeping! Goals are admirable and useful tools to success, don't get me wrong. However, "someday-ing" your way through life while you continue to do nothing is not okay.
So if you are a sleepy someday person... it's time to wake up. The gentle beams of sunlit skies are playing at your windowsill, begging for you to come out and witness the dawn of your life.
It is time to realize you have been living your future for some time now, and nothing will ever happen if you don't step off that ledge and move forward.
I must warn you, however... Don't be fooled by activity, as action can lie to you! Action provides a false belief you are moving forward. Don't be fooled by the great treadmill of life! Just because you are busy, does not mean you are living!
Sometimes, being still is the most active and beneficial thing you can do for yourself.
If the first thought that came to your mind is; "I don't have time to sit still..." you REALLY need to reevaluate.
Next time you sit down in front of a television, in front of Facebook or video games, or books, whatever form your procrastination comes in... recognize it for what it is. Realize you are your worst enabler of non-action. If you want what you say you want that badly- you will, in that moment... make the necessary step.
All you have to do is be honest.
Monday, February 22, 2010
Today
Morning Reading… on 2/1/10
In order of draw; High Priestess, The Fool, Queen of Batons, Seven of Batons, four of Batons and finally; Knight of Cups.
High Priestess – correspondences include the moon, and the Hebrew letter Beth or, “above” also representing a dwelling home or body- a containing form either human or brick & mortar and can be indicative of a spiritual vessel, a temple or a pregnant woman. She speaks to me, dark Egyptian eyes gazing through the familiar scene; I’ve pulled this card a thousand times but today, as it is every day, different from any before.
Sometimes she looks at me, scorning as a teacher does a petulant child. Sometimes she looks on me in pity, allowing me to kiss the hem of her dress and try again. This time, she gazes with a curious smile, just on the corners of her lips, folding her arms in front of her in carrying a secret knowledge that I might soon learn. To her left is a cup with a painted serpent and to her left is a tablet and brush. Behind her; Isis. The goddess of motherhood and fertility, the female of throne looks out with indifference and solidarity.
Next in line was the Fool; correspondences include fire and the Hebrew letter shin; which can be seen as a tooth. Three lines representing three roots of the molars, it is cosmic fire and the holy spirit. It represents acceptance, submission, taking in and transmuting energy. The fool is torn at the leg by a lynx, about to cross a crocodile filled river- unafraid and uncaring. The fool pays little attention to me, just reminding me that the journey may not be an easy one but it is a necessary one that will drive me forward to whatever end. The time is now, the journey has already begun- there’s no going back now!
The rest I’ll leave for my personal journal; no need to bore you with the details.
Today is 2/22, 2010. All entries up to this point were written over the course of this last month; simply all posted today. This entry leads us to present day; 1:11pm exactly as I type this.
The point to this entry and why I’m posting it here is to share with you my synchronistic turn of events. On 2/1, I was on the edge of a new era in my life. We had decided to start actively trying to build a family just after the new year, on the night of the blue moon in January we tried, did not succeed. The week of this reading, was the “window” of opportunity. It was also the same week as Imbolc, the festival of lights or otherwise called Candlemas. This is the festival of Brigid, the beginning of the light half of the year and the day in which we give thanks for the flow of life that pushes up the very first sprigs of spring growth. This is the time when seeds are planted in preparation for harvest. This is the time to build goals, make plans, create and jump on the bride’s train as she heads from the cold, dark and icy winter and grow warm with passion as the heat of the earth grows ever more radiant all around us.
During this sacred and glowing time of transition, I committed myself to a new life; that of a writer, a mystic, a healer, a painter and a mother. I gave the dark moon of January my fear, my vices, my limitations and my doubts that I may move forward into Imbolc with passionate purpose and deliver what I have to offer to the world, such as it may be.
This morning I closed the door on what is called the dreaded “two week wait” I prepped the soil, received the seed and simply had to wait to see if the roots took hold. It did not, as I began my moon cycle this morning. Such is the pain of creation, through trial and error, life will eventually take hold.
I meet this month head on, with some sadness but more determination than anything. I am in a creation period of my life, whether that be as a mother of children or a mother of ideas. I am continually shedding limitations as I go, feeding on the pain to build strength and push forward. I fear change. Being honest with myself, I fear it as much as I need it; as most humans do and I come to this new place in my life on the edge of all things in mist and fire, falling deep into the underworld of my soul that I might rise again with the dawn of the morning star, my life and body; a temple.
This quote ringing in my ears, the words of a character in a story about love, death, ghosts, magic and full moons and this quote will carry me forward into some of the most difficult decisions I've already made;
"My darling girl, when are you going to realize that being normal is not a virtue; rather it denotes a lack of courage."
-- Frances Owens, Practical Magic
Random Contemplation; purging unhealthy habits
Several weeks ago I began contemplating all the various excuses I've given over the years as to why I have not yet lived the life I was intended to. I have been paying a bit more attention to the goings on within my mind and thoughts, my current situation, what I’m frustrated with, where I’d like to be in my world and I realized that most of this longing is all for a life that I felt I could not have unless x, y and z were completed. Who made up these rules? I did. I chose to set up roadblocks and prevent my own success by putting conditions on it that never made sense. Shortly before Christmas this year, something in me snapped and I began seeing clearly.
I stopped smoking, limited my caffeine intake from nearly 9 cups to 1 cup of coffee per day, 2 max. I’ve limited myself when it comes to alcoholic drinks, I’m minimizing my intake of fast food, red meat and overly processed foods. I’m taking vitamins and sleeping better, I went back to school and I’ve once again after years… started meditating, practicing and rebuilding my connection with the Divine.
I have begun writing a great deal since then and I created this blog.
It's been too long that I've chosen to pretend I don't know what my path has to offer and out of fear I have rejected that path far too long. I hate to say that I have a plan... lol... these things ought to be fluid in motion and allowed to wander as the needs grow and change, but I have I should say, a path in front of me that I am already walking. No longer saying "I'm going to..." but saying instead, "I've already begun.”
I used to read a lot, books like Way of the Peaceful Warrior and all sorts of Richard Bach books, all kinds of things that provide a sense of purpose and passion for life. Where did I fall away from the goals that were set in that time of my life? I wonder… But that will be another blog for another day. ;-)
I stopped smoking, limited my caffeine intake from nearly 9 cups to 1 cup of coffee per day, 2 max. I’ve limited myself when it comes to alcoholic drinks, I’m minimizing my intake of fast food, red meat and overly processed foods. I’m taking vitamins and sleeping better, I went back to school and I’ve once again after years… started meditating, practicing and rebuilding my connection with the Divine.
I have begun writing a great deal since then and I created this blog.
It's been too long that I've chosen to pretend I don't know what my path has to offer and out of fear I have rejected that path far too long. I hate to say that I have a plan... lol... these things ought to be fluid in motion and allowed to wander as the needs grow and change, but I have I should say, a path in front of me that I am already walking. No longer saying "I'm going to..." but saying instead, "I've already begun.”
I used to read a lot, books like Way of the Peaceful Warrior and all sorts of Richard Bach books, all kinds of things that provide a sense of purpose and passion for life. Where did I fall away from the goals that were set in that time of my life? I wonder… But that will be another blog for another day. ;-)
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